original by István Böszörményi
I.
The woman was sitting on the bench. A deep sadness radiated at me from her light grey eyes. There were a few grey strands in her long dirty-blonde hair that was covering her upper body, almost glowing against her black cardigan.
"What have you come for?"
"Same reason as the others. I want to die."
"All of us. That's right. But our reasons are different. Maybe those are also important, since we're going to die together..."
"I can't stand living. I'm almost 40 and every day I'm more and more disappointed that I'm still here...I see, hear, feel...and it won't change tomorrow, for who knows how long. I want to become nothing. To not know about myself, to not know about anything. If I had a power-off button, I'd turn myself off. Forever."
"Suicide?"
"I'm one step away. But I can't take that step. I stand here at the station, the express train whooshes by, I want to step in front of it but my foot doesn't move."
"Many of us feel that way."
"Yeah, but I wasn't there as a passenger. My problem is with the last step. Once I walked up a mountain, right on top of the cliff. There, too, only the last step was missing. And the last time, I stood for an hour and a half atop the dinner table with a noose around my neck, again one step away."
"And?"
"It got dark. I climbed off and made the table."
"Made the table?"
"Yeah. I was wasting time and dinnertime came." She smiled, and hid under her hair, bowing her head. "I need help", she whispered.
"How would you like it?"
"I don't care, quickly, and in a way that I don't have to do anything, just let it happen...you know, me and steps... And you? What brings you here?"
"It's not death I'm all about, it's dying. The moment of ceasing. I fantasize about dying since my childhood. That I'm about to be executed, and I let it happen. Or that I do it myself. I want a beautiful death. Planned carefully."
"And...what's holding you back?"
"I can't do it alone. Well, I mean, I could, but that's not how I imagine it. I want a partner...that way, it'll be perfect."
"May I? Go on", said the newcomer - another woman -, and sat down beside us.
"Hello and welcome. We were discussing the reasons that brought us together."
She was about our age, or a little younger. Auburn hair with sharp bangs in the front and precisely cut hip-length at the back.
"So", I continued, "my soul was ensnared by the longing for a beautiful death. In my recurring fantasies I'm hanged with a pretty woman from a tree branch. Holding hands..."
"Wow, like me, almost, on the dining table", yelped the first woman.
"Naked?", asked the other one.
"Yeah, I have to confess, naked, hand in hand, the morning wind in our hair..." I looked at her long hair. She smiled.
"I'm torn. One body, two souls. My erotic deathwish is more than mere fantasies, and I would've done it a long time ago if it wasn't...a sin. My sinful desire is at war with my religious soul. So strong, so sinful are my cravings that confessions can't absolve. I need..."
"Help", finished the blonde.
"I want to do it, but can't. I can't kill myself, no matter how much I want to." She spoke with her head bowed, hidden under her hair, almost a murmur, and when she got to the last words, she looked into my eyes. She could see my answer without the need for words.
"Alright. How would you like it? Should I tie you?"
"Oh no. I'll cooperate with pleasure, just make it sure I don't have to do it."
"Meaning, it shouldn't look like a suicide."
"I don't care what it looks like, but I can't do it. The facts count, not the appearances. If we die by gun, then please, shoot me; if we jump, then push me a little or embrace me and pull me down with yourself. But I'd be delighted to hang beside you, as in your dream, if you put the noose on for me."
"So", I summarized, "we have a lady who seeks nonexistence." The blonde nodded silently. "We have another lady who resembles me in a lot of things and is only still breathing because she..."
"Needs help", she finished my sentence.
"And then we have a perverted dude who can't do it without an audience, because..."
"He needs help", the two women said in unison.
"So everyone's waiting for me. Alright then."
"I'm...allowed to help", said the second woman.
"And what do you want?"
"I would try it like last time on the dining table...then I almost succeeded. Maybe this time it will be enough if I'm being watched. And if not, then..." She didn't finish, just looked at the other girl.
"I was Petra", she introduced herself.
"I was Catherine", said the other.
"My name was Steve."
II.
It was time to look around and select the appropriate venue. There was a huge dining table under the veranda, and above it were strong crossbeams, about a meter apart from each other. Next to an auxiliary building stood a long ladder...as if the scene was prepared for us. Petra was already looking at the table, then examined the beams. We went to get the ladder.
"So, you'll help Petra?", I asked.
"If she needs it, yes. Don't worry, I can do it. Prepare for your own task."
"That's what I'm doing. What do you think, would it be good for you as well, the same way, hanged under the veranda?"
"What do you think?"
"I'd like that, if you don't mind."
"Yes, that will be best. I like that. I always wanted it like that."
"Oh, thank you. This is wonderful! Then you hang her, then I hang you, or we hang each other..."
"Each other. Let's hang together. I only help Petra, if she needs it."
We got back with the ladder and told Petra that we'll follow her. She smiled and nodded, then excused herself and went to get herself in order. I started the preparations. I took a big spool of hemp rope out of my backpack. I tied a hangman's knot on one end. I knew how to do it blindfolded. I make an S shape out of the rope, leaving a meter or so slack at the end. Then I reel thiss around the triple rope until it runs out; then tuck the last 10-20 centimeters of it under the upper curve of the S, and pull on it from under until the classic knot is formed. I checked how strong it was and how it slipped through itself. I got the ladder to the veranda, luckily it fit neatly under the roof. I threw the knot over the beam and lowered it above the table to a height that allows for the neck to slip comfortably into the noose, but holds the person stepping off the table high enough. I fastened it thoroughly, and cut off the rest of the rope. I tugged hard at the noose, and swung on it, grabbing it with both hands. It held. I climbed down onto the table, and repeated all this on the other beams, installing altogether three nooses above the large dining table, about a meter apart. By the time this was done, Petra arrived.
Apart from her white sheer gown she only had a pair of slippers on, but the gown was covering her right down to her ankles. Her hair was freshly combed, seeming even silkier and longer. She stepped towards Catherine and embraced her. She gave me a hug too. She invited us to sit down. There were three seats at the table; we sat down, she pulled out the remaining chair and turned it around. She took off her slippers, stepped upon the chair, then onto the table itself. She stood under the first noose. Suddenly she threw off her cloak and threw it to the chair. She took the noose in her hands and put it around her neck. This was quick, but then she started to meddle with her hair, maybe to arrange it evenly for when she swings, slowly putting each lock in place. The sight mesmerized me, I almost forgot where we are. I barely noticed when she turned to Catherine and whispered something. I didn't know what. She stood up and gently held Petra's hand. There was no puling or yanking; the girl, as if led by a mother's touch, slowly took the final step. The step that she tried so many times but never could complete. Her right foot stepped hesitantly into the nothingness that she longed for for so many years. She was past the point of no return, and fell until the rope was taut. The fall became a wild swinging, followed with a slight delay by her long hair. Her toes swayed above ground, far from ever reaching it. She felt the swinging, the void beneath, and knew that she finally succeeded. She had taken the step that haunted her throughout her life, and happily gave herself to the Nothing she desired. The Nothing came fast like a cut in a film, during the initial swings. She didn't notice, but after this point she didn't hear or see or feel anything, as if she had never been born. Her body threw off all control and began a life of its own. Her arms and legs moved in a slow waving manner, as if dancing or seeking something; then the swaying slowed down and these movements also ceased. A statuelike calm set in, only disturbed by the slight breeze playing with her hair.
"She was a beauty", Catherine broke the silence.
"She still is", I replied.
"And we'll be beautiful like this, too."
I embraced her and started to unbutton her dress. She pulled her hair in front and put her head on my shoulder to make it easier. I was better at tying knots than disrobing ladies, but everything comes to an end, including buttons. I also stepped out of my clothes, and offered her my hand to help her up the chair.
"One moment", she said, and walked up to the lifeless Petra to give her a goodnight kiss on the belly. I went there too and stroked her hair. The body was dead, the hair the same as before. Then I aided Catherine, but it was a formality, as she almost sprang up to the table. This was the last independent move of her life, then she gave herself entirely to me. She stood under the middle noose and let me put it around her throat. I carefully arranged her hair, parting it in the middle. I pulled the loop tight behind her right ear, until she winced. Then I loosened it a little and waited. Embracing her, I waited for her to noose me. She didn't move; I sensed a slight trembling. I looked into her eyes and she gestured to me to do it myself. I put the last noose on, and while I adjusted the knot, I was watching her. My dreams were about to come true. We silently stood, snuggled together, with the rope on our necks, a step away from fulfillment, when she spoke up.
"May I ask something?" I gave her a nod.
"Her last words to me...she told me to lay the table. What was that about?"
"I don't know. Does it matter?"
"Not really. I'm ready...please push me a little..."
"I'd rather pull you with me..." I whispered and slowly leaned forward. This was the moment; delighted, I pulled her with me into the embrace of nonexistence. The rope bit into out necks and we were swinging. I let go of her hand. For fleeting moments our bodies touched, and ethereal euphoria washed over me; when her hair swept across my body, it was an electric tingling. The pleasure didn't fade, but amped up to divine heights; my body was nearly bursting at the seams when like a hammer, deep unconsciousness hit me. In the perfect instant. Meanwhile my companion hit either me or her predecessor; either a cooling or a hot body. She felt the swaying and the wind, but she could hardly see. Her final sight was of her toes, as they were dangling above the ground. Her last experience was a warm body pushing against hers and something wet smeared on her skin. She lost consciousness and never returned. Death took her within minutes. First her, then in a short while I was also dangling lifeless beside her.
This is how we found the three of us the next morning, hanging under the veranda, bathed in the light of the dawn.
