Iris was a young girl, she's 13 years old, her long dark hair and brown eyes. She was modest and quiet, but very kind, a cute and friendly. She has a quiet life, a very loving family and beloved cat, but Iris lives with her older sister, because her parents left for abroad. Iris wants to make friends at school, but they taunted her because she was different from others. After that Iris and her sister moved to another city to a new life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a spring morning. Iris wakes up, sits up on her bed, yawns and looks at the window and blue sky.
Iris: (How good.... But today is the first day in a new school... I'm so excited...) *looks at the cat, who sleeps on a basket by her bed* Well, Miya, good morning! *smiles and patted Miya's head*
Cat Miya: *wakes up and purrs*
Iris gets up, went to the bathroom, tooks off his pajamas, turns on the tap warm water and washs himself. After she quickly wipes and puts on a blue dress and a white blouse, combs, looks at his reflection on the mirror and sighs.
Iris: I hope I can do... *sighs again*
Iris hurries down the stairs, went into the kitchen and sits down on the chair.
Iris: Good morning, sister!
Iris's sister: Morning, Iris. Eat quickly before breakfast cools. *puts a cup of warm cocoa on the table*
Iris: Ok, sister! *tooks the cup and begins to drink it* Ahhh, I love cocoa!
Iris's sister: Me too. *smiles* By the way, today you go to school. Try what I told you yesterday. Behave politely and learn well. I hope you'll make new friends and forget about their problems, Iris.
Iris: I'll try.
Iris's sister: *smiles* It'll be okay, Iris.
Iris: Okay. *smiles as well and began to eat breakfast*
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In school. When Iris went to the class, she tries to met with her classmates before lessons.
Iris: *sits at a school desk and opens her backpack* (I'm ready? No.... Better late...) *accidentally dropped her pen* Oh...
Girl with blonde hair: *picks up a pen and gaves it to Iris* Hey, newcomer, here. *smiles*
Iris: Ah, thank you... *took it and looks at her* Uh...
Girl with blonde hair: My name is Alexandra. And just call me "Alex" for friends. And you??
Iris: Well... Iris. Nice to meet you, Alex...
Alex: Hehe! Do not be shy! I like your name, as a flower! Hope we will friends!
Iris: *blushes a bit and smiles* Okay... (If so, i will happy..?)
During recess. Iris came out of her class, went to the canteen to drink juice. She opens the door and someone accidentally splatters on her bucket with water. Iris twitches of surprise and cold water. One of the boys giggled and playfully apologize to her. Iris looks up at him, then around than the guys silently looks at her, giggles and laughs. Iris tries to hold myself not to cry, but she could not, so she runs away from the canteen.
Iris: (Joke... Again, a joke! I hate it!!! Why my life don't change? Whyyyy?!) *sobs a bit*
Iris runs in the ladies toilet to hide, but she faces Alex, and they fell on the floor.
Alex: Ouch! Hurt! *looks at her* Oh, and you're wet, Iris! Get away from me! Now!
Iris: *whimpers a bit* I'm sorry.... *slowly gets away from her*
Alex: Huh? Iris, you're ok? *sits up* Why are you wet? What happened?
Iris: *slowly nods and sobs a bit* Y-yes, i'm o-ok... It's n-nothing, Alex....
Alex: Tell me! *tooks a handkerchief out of her bag and gives it to Iris* Wipe yourself! And you'll catch a cold! Iris, you're new and I'm your classmate, so classmates helping each other, you know? Well, tell me? Please.
Iris: ... *tooks her handkerchief, slowly wipes his cheek and looks away*..... (I can tell her as classmate....?) *swallows a bit* W-well.... *tells Alex about what is happening*
Alex: *listens to her and smiles* It's just a randomly. They did, as always. And then the teacher will to scolded them. *gets up and helps to get up her* So, don't cry, Iris, let's take your wet clothes and I'll bring my clothes. I'll be right back. *runs from the toilet*
Iris: Uh? W-wait a sec.... *sighs* Okay...
A few hours after school. Iris and Alex get out of school.
Iris: *looks a little embarrassed* The first time I wore your yellow dress....
Alex: Do not be embarrassed! You look cute, Iris! Hehe!
Iris: Eh... Hehe.... Mmm... *looks down with blushing*
Alex: So! Tell me, are you free tomorrow night, Iris?
Iris: Uh...? *looks at her* W-well, I think, first to clean something, then yes... And what?
Alex: Well, I think I need your help, but my friends are very busy until the evening. And tomorrow we will be pajama party...
Iris: P....P-pajama party? * surprises a bit* Uh...
Alex: Yeah... *sighs and looks displeased a bit* Well, if you can't, it's okay...
Iris: Oh! *waves one his hand and shooks his head* No, no, no, Alex, I can to help you if I can! But I need to talk to my sister.
Alex: *looks at her* Really?! Yay! *glomps her* You are my lifesaver, Iris! Thanks!!!! *huggles her*
Iris: Oh! A-Alex... *giggles a bit* (The first time Alex invited me to pajama party, so I help her... That's my dream...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On the next day. At 6:45 pm Iris wore a pink top, blue skirt with cells, light cardigan and blue converse. She took the bag, pajamas and a little food to feast Alex's friends. Then she went to Alex's house. After 15 minutes Iris went to Alex's door, knocks it and waits.
Alex: *opens door and looks at Iris* Oh, Iris! Come, come, don't be shy!
Iris: *went in and nervous a bit* Sorry for the intrusion, Alex... *looks around* Are your parents home? *then at Alex*And your friends here?
Alex: Oh, no! *giggles a bit* They went in the job and my brother went to see friends from college. And friends say that they will come later. Went into the room for a TV to help me! Make yourself at home, Iris! *went to room for a TV * I'm glad you agree to help me before the pajama party!
Iris: Okay. You're welcome.*follows her*
Alex: Btw... *turns to look at her* One question...
Iris: *stops and looks at her* Yes, Alex?
Alex: Well... Tell me the truth, do you like Tommy? *oddly stares at her*
Iris: Uh? (What is Tommy? Oh, it's a boy with brown hair, whom I helped to learn a little math.) *shooks his head* No, he just needed my help. That's all.
Alex: ...... *caring smiles* I understand. Then it's time to help me!
Iris: O-okay... (What happened to her?)
At 7:30 pm Alex asked Iris to bring the juice from the basement. Iris agreed, and went to the basement, turned on the light and looking bottles of juice. Someone grabbed her arm and threw her against the wall. Iris screamed and looking at the three girls.
Girls: *one voices* Surprise!
Iris: Uh? I thought you came later, girls....
Alex: Oh, no. *went between the three girls, crossed his arms, looks at Iris and smirks a bit* I'm sorry I lied to you, Iris.
Iris: *unclear looks at Alex* W-what..? *when Alex went to her and grabs her hair sharply, Iris slightly screams in pain and grabs her hand* Hurt!
Alex: *keeps to hold her hair* Shut up, silly! You must tell me the truth about Tommy...
Iris: *slightly scared and looks at her cruel eyes* B-but I already told you....
Alex: *shakes Iris's hair* Shut up! One of the three girls told me that you gave Tommy a paper with your phone number.
One from the three girls: *nods* Yeah, i saw it.
Alex: See that? Speak! *shakes Iris's hair again*
Iris: *winced in pain and slightly shaking with fear* Ugh... H-he said that he is poorly studied math, so I'm just helping him... *cries a bit* But nothing special... Please....
Alex: You sure?
Iris: *slowly nods* Y-yes, I swear...
Alex: .... Tsk! *quickly lets go of Iris's hair* Silly Iris, better keep away from him. *cruel looks at her* Do not forget that he's my boyfriend.
Iris: *clung to the wall and trembles* .... *rubs his head and sobs a bit*
Alex: *smirks a bit* I'll let you go and forget it if you do what I say.
Iris: ? *looks at her with tears*
Alex: *went to get a rope loop out of the closet and threw it on the floor in front of Iris's legs* Show me how you'll be hanged.
Iris: *shudders and slowly shakes her head* N-no... Do not, p-please...
Two from the three girls: *puts his hand on Alex's shoulder* Alex, it's a bad idea...
Three from the three girls: *scared and run away from the basement to not want to see them*
One from the three girls: Y-yes. Let's stop it...
Alex: *violently looks at girls* Shut up! Don't be afraid, she will not hang. *then at Iris* Well, come on... Do it NOW!!!
Iris flinches from her loud scream with trembling hands slowly took the rope loop. Her legs trembling, so she slowly steps over to a chair, she tied a rope to the pipe and put it on her neck.
Iris: *her tears were dropping and looks at Alex* I...I'm d-done as y-you said....
Alex: *smirks a bit and pulls a little camera out of her blouse* Great, great, you are very docile than I thought, and now i photographed you! Let's smile, silly!
Alex went to Iris closer to photograph her, one of the two girls notice that the rat goes from the chair on which Iris was standing, she screamed: "Rat!" And another girl saw it too, and two girls ran away from the basement because they do not like rats.
Alex: ? *looks down and notices at rat* AH!!! *turns away, unintentionally stumbled out of a chair, fell on the floor, stood up and ran out of the basement*
Iris hung up, afraid of shock, trying to unclench her hands rope, tried to scream for help, but could not breathe, praying in her mind for something or someone to save her, slowly stops moving and her hands fall...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2 days later. Alex with uncertainty went to school. In class she notice classmates look at her, ignored and whispered to each other.
Alex: ... (They avoid me... Or they know that I lied to police that Iris had committed suicide?...) *went to sit on school desk* ... *hears what classmates talking quietly, because she have a good ear*
"I can't believe Iris hung up... Why did she do it?"
"Yeah... She is very kind and quiet when I first met her once... And she did nothing wrong."
"And I heard a woman crying in front of her. Maybe, her mother?"
"No, this is her older sister, I think."
"And... she made friends with Alex and thought that she her first friend, because she has no friends."
"Oh my, god... Poor Iris..."
Alex: *feels uncomfortable, gets up and quickly walks out of class* ... (I don't want to hear it! I just hated Iris because of what she differs from me. I envy her...) *hears a strange noise approaching to her back and quiet whimpering, turns back and looks that there is no one* ..... (Maybe, seemed to me...) *sighs, went in the ladies toilet to wash her sweaty palms of nerves* Why I'm scared....? *turns on the tap and the water begins to wash her hands*
Alex looks around at the mirror, looks at his pale face, hears again quiet whimpering, turns back and notices that familiar girl standing at the door. She have pale skin, dead eyes, abrasions and rope on her neck. And her hair and clothes are familiar...
Alex: *stares at girl, horrifies and whispers* Y... Y-you....
Girl looks at Alex, looks sad with dark tears and saids a quiet and weak voice:
"I... I th...think w-we're f-frien...ds..... Y-you're a liar!"
:origin()/pre00/0e9b/th/pre/f/2014/136/2/0/creepypasta___hung_girl_by_naughtykittydv_1992-d7il8z7.jpg)
And thank you for reading. ^w^
But scrolling through the comment section shows that I am by far not the only one to give you proper feedback.
Unfortunately you seem to completely ignore any comment that does not praise your story - which honestly takes away my motivation to write you an honest feedback if you do not even want to improve your own story.
Feel free to reply to me, if you are indeed interested in my opinion on your story and I will help you improving it.
Well, I think I can handle it. But when I make a comic, I'll change it better than the old story.
Alright, I'll tell you if I'm interested in your opinion. Thanks for the offer... And thanks for reading too. ^w^
Theme song: God Damn Liar by Get Scared :s
The grammar was hard to understand, but...
That.
Story.
Was.
AWESOME.
Skully: having sympathy for children is a baaad thing Mike~
Mike: SHE WAS INNOCENT THO.
Thank you for reading.
I want to share Hung girl's story with my friends..
Thank you for reading.
Ok, this story is such a mess, Not the plot (But I'll Talk About That Later.) But how it's written.
It's written like a screenplay, wether that's a good or bad thing is subjective.
And why would you write their thoughts in ( )!?
Tell Me, Which Puts You More On Edge.
"Alex stared in horror and whispered "Y-you."
or
Alex: *Stares in horror and whispered* it's y-you.
Now let's talk about the plot!
A thirteen year old girl called Iris who is unpopular. Stop. That's a cliché in almost every single Creepypasta OC.
There are so many teenagers in the OC community and I, like many others are sick of them.
In matter of fact, let's list them and see how much there are?
Jeff the killer
Jane the killer
Clockwork
Nina the killer
Ticci Toby
Homicidal Liu (Didn't Jeff Kill Liu?)
And that just the tip of the iceberg!
Anyway so a thirteen year old girl is unpopular and gives a kid named Tommy her phone number to help him at math.
Ok...
So Tommy's boyfriend called Alex manipulates her and attacks, then hangs her in the basement because he hated rats that were in the basement.
Hold The Phone...
Would Anyone In Their Right Minds Hang Someone Over a Boyfriend, What Was Alex Smoking!?!?!
And finally, she comes back to presumably kill Alex.
Ok, maybe it's just that I'm not invested in the "Hung Girl" Lore, but how did she become a spirit or demon or whatever? She didn't really have any "unfinished business" so why would she come back, was she summoned? Was she brought back? Tell Us!
Now even though I've gave a mostly negative review I do like the concept, as it reminds of stories like Carrie and others.
So ill give story a 5/10
Have a lovely Day.
The bullying- they just spilt water on and laughted thats not much of a bully situation to me sorry.
Alex- ok so...it seems you put more attention to he wich is a good thing being she caused the death but you should have shown her drowning in her sorrow regeting what she has done,I know shes supposed to be cold and all but shes like what 13? and whatched a girl die in front of her that can mess some one up XD
The death-Again this is a sad story and the way the main character dies is fitting but (here is a fun trick) if the story is a sad one add tention dont just throw it out there.
"Alex and her friends toke her down into the basement with a camera and the rope draging down each step with a stool in the middle of the dark lit room"
Describing eviroments as well as events are critical in writing a story
But I noticed this is an "RPG" story format wich is interesting
The Creepypasta- "A spirit of a 13 year old girl whom died from an accidental hanging and targets thoes whom tell fibs" (RIP all lawers)
ok so she is a spirit and she goes for the liars correct so shes a good guy? But in the ref it said praying keeps her away so shes an entity?
But all humans lie so am not sure what to think is it particular lies? Maybe using some one.idk
All and all its Original if you ask me.
Just some things to think about
And ask your self this question (Do people act this way?)
Thank you for reading.