CHAPTER 30

“Blessed are the cheese makers,” mumbled Ambassador Bunker as he stood in the massive crowd that covered the palace atrium from one side to the other. His eyes were focused right on where everyone else had theirs. The Emperor stood high on a far balcony and gave what the elves considered a ‘speech.’ To Bunker’s ears, it sounded like some strange chanting which was occasionally repeated by the crowd.

Bob Isaacs could not follow any of what they were saying and his command of the Fey language was getting better. What he was hearing in the here and now did not even sound remotely familiar and, for that matter, neither did what the US ambassador had said.

Bob looked strangely at Bunker who just waived it off and said, “sorry, old movie Colonel.”

Bob didn’t get it but he did reply, “more like the Macy’s Parade. I wonder if the Dell can get you to Santa‘s workshop too.” The roar of the crowd returned not long after the Emperor was escorted back from behind the curtains he had emerged from. That was relatively speaking of course because, apparently, there were ten different guys who came up after the high and mighty, to chant their own stuff. Every time they did, Bob was hoping it was the last one and, when that never seemed to be the case, he then mumbled, “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

Suddenly, Bob was wishing he had kept his mouth shut. Several of the Emperor’s personal guards appeared out of the crowd. They had come from every direction and none of them seemed to be in a joking mood. One of them even called his name and said, “you will come with us.”

What could Bob do but look to his ambassador and hope the US State Department was not as screwed up as they usually were. Bob even reminded Bunker of that when he said, “I might be a soldier but I’m still a US citizen here.”

Bunker really actually tried to do something so he introduced himself and said, “I demand to know the meaning of this.”

The Elf who was doing all the talking simply replied with his grim face, that Bob suspected was a job requirement, “Colonel Isaacs has received a summons. It is a great honor.”

General Garret huffed and then told Bob, “I don’t think this is an arrest.”

As Bob stepped off with his guards, he told the general, “easy for you to say Jim, you’re not on the way to the principals office.” Bob was not comforted by either the ambassador’s reassurances nor the fact that the crowd was not getting out of the way for this column of soldiers who dressed more like walking piles of polished scrap metal. Their weapons were real enough, even if that armor looked dated as hell, so, Bob followed them as instructed.

They left the atrium by a side door that was heavily guarded by soldiers who were dressed more practical for fighting. Those guys could have probably taken the honor guard down in five seconds but, jumped out of the way like they were afraid of these clowns. That was proceeded by a march down a long deserted hallway with Bob surrounded by two files of elves that acted as if they were taking him to a firing squad. They sure had a perpetually grim expression that looked to be chiseled into their faces.

They stood in front of an elevator for what felt like an eternity and Bob finally asked the elf that appeared to be in charge, “you got a kick out of sneaking up on me back out there in the atrium, didn’t you?” The Elf did not say a word but, he did shoot Bob a side glance and a genuine smile. Then he went right back to the grim statue routine which was fortunate for him since the elevator doors opened. A rather elaborately dressed Elf was waiting for Bob and politely said, “please enter Colonel.”

As they rode upwards, and Bob noticed this guy was a talker, he finally asked, “excuse me, but what exactly is this all about?”

The elf seemed genuinely surprised and he replied, “no one told you? You’re going to meet with the Emperor. He has personally requested it Colonel Isaacs.”

“What the fu…” Bob caught himself and recovered, “my ambassador hasn’t even met the guy ye… I mean met with his majesty on high, yet. How did I get an invite?”

“I have no idea colonel,” and Bob did not think the elf was lying ether. He looked extremely perplexed and slightly confused. Bob figured it had a lot to do with the attitude so he tried to apologize and the guy seemed even more confused.

Bob tried another tact since he was sure he did not wish to cause a diplomatic incident, “it’s just that in America, we don’t meet with our President like this.”

“Really?” The poor Elf seemed completely out of his element now, “how do you do it?”

“Uh,” that was a really good question and Bob was not sure he had no answer since he’d never actually met with a President. He took a stab at it, “well it involves writing a big check, a handshake, a slap on the back, and then you eat.”

The elf looked even more confused and Bob thought that was impossible. What could he say to that but, “strange.”

The next phase of this great honor was easily surmised by Bob as just that, strange. He had formed some kind of idea of a throne room, bowing, maybe some ring kissing tossed in, and that would be about as weird as it would get. Then the emperor would demand something, Bob would tell him, “fuck off” and then he could be on his way, that is, if he didn’t get beheaded. None of that proved to be the case and Bob was wondering if the chopping block was not preferable.

The first chamber he was brought too was a huge surprise. There was a hot tub in it! Did the emperor get into that? He didn’t look like the southern California type when he was back out on the balcony. He was also not around and, judging by the aid guy from the elevator, nobody expected the big cheese. What they did expect was a horde of gaggling women who all happened to be human as well. They went right for Bob’s uniform and he was not prepared to defend himself. He did protest however, “hey this thing costs five hundred bucks, ok?”

None of them spoke English and, maybe, Bob figured, that was a good thing because they couldn’t hear his full vocabulary of swear words as he was dumped in the tub and the women began scrubbing. No amount of protest stopped them or even seemed to bother them. They giggled every time Bob opened his mouth. When it was all over with they rapped him in towels and deposited him in a chair that was not unlike that you would see in a barber shop. Then it seemed like everyone was gone and he was alone. “Excuse me?”

A single woman came in this time. She had not been with the ‘sorority sister’s of the bath of eternal heat’ crew. She carried a plastic tray that looked a lot like something you might find at a dollar store, only it was full of various, things? Bob had no idea what they were all for so he told this woman, who was older than the others but still very attractive, “I got to warn you sister, I won’t talk no matter what you do.”

The woman surprised him by replying in very good English, “that is up to you Colonel. I am simply here to groom your appendages.”

Bob blinked at that and said, “a pedicure?”

She knelt at his feet and began sorting through her tools as she replied, “that would be a close approximation of what I do.”

The woman was good at it too! Still, Bob had his mind on other things, “uh, you actually act like you know what’s going on. You’re probably the first person I’ve met, since coming up here, that actually does.”

She sounded sincere and even somewhat amused as well, “you’re meeting the Emperor, colonel. I know you’ve been told this.”

“I think there was a memo,” Bob replied. Then he said, “when does that actually happen? Do I have to get a sex change first? I hope that isn’t a part of it.”

The woman actually looked up and laughed before finishing up his feet. Then she got to work on his hands and told him, “I’ve lived in England. I actually know what a sex change operation is.”

Now Bob was becoming a little more relaxed so he commented, “so that’s where you learned to speak so good. Tell me, uh, oh what’s your name? I forgot.”

“I didn’t tell you,” she said quite pleasantly before continuing, “and to answer your question, yes all of the women maidens are human.”

Bob was relaxing now, “I didn’t even ask you yet.”

“You didn’t have too, colonel,” the girl replied, “everyone asks that same question. The next question you will ask is answered by me saying, I have worked here all of my life.”

“They teach you to read minds in England or did you pick that up here in the palace?” Bob figured that question was one she had never heard before. She giggled and that was a sign that his aim was right on the money.

When the woman finished she stood up and pointed to the nearby screen, “your uniform has been cleaned, as per specification of the US Army Field Manual AR 6.…”

Bob was already standing when he cut in, “yeah I know it.” What he was really interested in was, “do I get to do this on my own or is there another crew waiting to ambush me on the other side of that screen?”

“No colonel,” the woman pleasantly replied. That made Bob relax until she giggled and finished with, “it’s the same crew as before.” She was gone before Bob could protest.

“I deserve a medal for this one,” Bob mumbled as he strolled behind the screen and was, indeed, ambushed by the sorority sister crew. Still, Bob had to admit they did a pretty good job of dressing him. Bob was also wondering if he needed to find out who their laundry guy was because he never remembered his uniform being so clean and pressed. Then the good part was over with. The girls left him with a male elf that Bob could only describe as a tutor.

The elf explained, “I have exactly a half hour to explain to you what takes most of our young, their entire school careers to learn.”

That made Bob ask a logical question, “how many of your young actually get to use all this emperor protocol stuff anyway?”

“Almost none,” the elf replied. He got right back to the lessons and made Bob do all sorts of stands and bows. Bob also had to learn to repeat several phrases in Fey. He was pretty sure he slaughtered everyone of them and the elf’s expressions seem to confirm this. Bob could care less. He was more concerned with the human that walked in.

The guy did not say a word. He just stood in a corner and seemed amused by Bob’s bungled attempts at Imperial Edict. He was an older guy but pretty fit for his age. He wore a black turtleneck sweater and trousers of a matching color. He had silver hair that was pulled to a pony tail in the back. What was most distinguished about him was his face. That was because Bob had already seen the guys picture.

The elf finally left in disgust but, proclaimed the lessons over with. Bob was relieved and he looked to his fellow human, “so, is this over with now Sir Arthur?”

“You are aware of who I am colonel,” replied Arthur Cavendish. He looked at his watch and then said, “good, it spares us time. As for how long you have left, well, I have been told the Emperor commanded his people to rush you through this. It normally takes all day and they’re getting you through in an hour. I suppose he is aware of exactly how impatient Americans tend to be.”

Bob rolled his eyes at the guy and then got to his feet. He started putting his shoes back on and told the old man, “oh joy. Just what I wanted for Christmas.”

“I realize you are being sarcastic,” Cavendish replied, “however the full treatment is rather pleasurable. I know, I’ve been through it many times.”

“Figured that,” Bob told the guy, “course the real question is how long ago was your first?”

“I’m not going to insult your intelligence Colonel,” Arthur replied, “so please do not insult mine. You are all to aware that our relations with the Fey, go back a very long time.”

“Oh sure,” Bob told him as he got to his feet, “just insult the intelligence of the rest of planet Earth. Here’s my question for you Artie, I know your name sure but, as for the other part, no I really don’t know who you are. I also don’t get why you people would keep something this big a secret, for god knows how long.”

Arthur returned the favor with a question of his own, “why are you here colonel? Why is it you Americans always show it up with soldiers first?”

“We don’t,” Bob replied, “as for the rest, you know why we’re here.”

“And that is why Colonel,” Arthur replied, “we kept the secret.”

The conversation was interrupted and Bob was sure that Cavendish was just as thankful as he was. Still, the man was quite smug about it and, Bob guessed, the man was quite used to that attitude. Bob put him out of his mind while he got through the final preparations for meeting the emperor. None of it was anything he really understood. He kind of got the idea that these things were religious in nature and Bob played along.

It was starting to seem as if he would never actually do what he came up here for and then, as suddenly as it began, he found himself alone in a chamber that could have easily been a study in some old manor house. There was a fire going and lots of bookshelves. Surprisingly, there were also several personal computers and Bob noted that all of them were running current operating systems. There were leather bound couch’s, a bar, a well stocked fridge and even a big bed that seemed to have not been used recently. Bob was actually kind of glad about that last part.

A set of double doors opened on the far side of the room an the elf that entered was not what Bob had expected. Bob knew he was the emperor, to be sure, since Bob had seen his picture before. What Bob had never seen was the guy wearing very casual clothing that looked like he got them right off the shelf of a discount store. Solenceaus the Twenty-Second, also had none of the rigid formality that he had displayed in public. He looked like a guy who just wanted to relax and he proved that by going right to the bar.

As the Emperor fixed himself a drink he asked the American, “want something Colonel? Don’t’ worry, we have alcohol in here that’s safe for you to drink as well. The best in fact, although, I’m only going by the word of my household staff. I wouldn’t know.”

“Uh,” Bob didn’t know what to say, “sure, uh,” Bob stumbled and it looked as if the Emperor was quite used to it. Now Bob had forgotten every last thing the tutor had taught him. He just asked, “what do I…”

“Call me Sol,” the Emperor replied as he poured a Scotch and then handed it off to Bob. He then said, “I do realize that you Americans have enough trouble with your own language so expecting you to pronounce ours correctly might be expecting too much.” Bob took the drink but, remained quiet. The Emperor then smiled and said, “that was a little Imperial humor Bob.”

Now Bob really did smile and laugh, “it’s ok sir. It’s true.”

“Oh you have no idea,” Sol told him and then offered him a seat. “I’ve been around long enough to hear the English language change. You want to know the truth, you sound more like your ancestors than the British do. You both came from the same place but, you split off and, I suppose that is much like our two species. It’s nature Bob. It’s something that we, the Fey, accept.”

“Begging your pardon Sol,” Bob replied respectfully and, strangely enough, he was finding that he really did respect this guy, “but you guys don’t act like you’re all that fond of change.”

“Not at all,” Sol replied, “the manner of change is what we are most interested in.” Bob swirled the alcohol in his glass and thought about what to say next. The emperor cut through it for him, “right now, you’re most interested in knowing why you’re here. Not just,” he gestured to the room, “here, but why you’re in my country.”

“That’s putting it mildly,” Bob replied humbly. “As for my part in this, I mean, you haven’t met with my ambassador yet and I’m here.”

“Ambassador Bunker serves his purpose Bob,” Sol replied. “He is a functionary of a system and, as such, he does his job. I, on the other hand, do not have the luxury of meeting with him just yet. Don’t get me wrong, you’re not the first American who has been up here.”

Bob snorted a short laugh, “Arbuckle.”

Sol repaid the laugh with one of his own, “a character isn’t he? I suppose you are curious to know that I did not take him as an example of your entire nation.”

“Relieved would be a better word,” Bob replied.

The emperor nodded and chuckled in good nature, “we have men just like him, an immutable law of the universe I suppose. Still, the reason you are sitting here is because you are an important man Colonel Isaacs.”

“No sir,” Bob replied with conviction, “I just take orders and do my job.”

“Which is why you’re important,” Sol replied in earnest. “When the time comes, no matter what your orders are, you will be the man on the spot. You will be the one who has to make that final decision to act. That makes you a man of importance no matter how much you don’t like it.”

Bob just shrugged, “and is that the message you want me to take back to my government?”

“There is no message Bob,” Sol told him in a friendly way, “I, as ruler of these lands, would be quite irresponsible if I were not to even meet with someone in your position. Don’t you agree?”

“Well if you put it that way,” Bob told him, “guess it does kind of make sense.”

They sat in silence for a moment and the Emperor then said with an air of humor, “you have a thousand questions you want to ask me, don’t you?”

“For a ruler from an Imperial dynasty that’s older than any country on my entire planet,” Bob replied, “you certainly have a grand gift for understatements.”

“In time Bob,” Sol replied, “the answers that not only you seek but, all of your people, will be forthcoming. The one thing that we Fey have learned is patience in such matters. There is so much history that your people need to relearn and, this can’t be accomplished over night. It would not only be detrimental to my people but, yours as well.”

“I guess I can see that,” Bob told him. He then said one word, “orcs.”

Sol easily replied, “they are a problem, yes. They have been for a very long time, however, something that you will come to learn about them Bob. Most often the Orc are their own worst enemy. Again, it is a function of biology and, something that your people have long since forgotten.”

“I’m sorry Sol,” Bob tried to put it into words but failed. All he could think to say was, “I don’t get that part. You guys keep talking about it but, what does that means exactly?”

“To use one of your euphemisms,” Sol replied, “they are what they are. Our biology is a fact that we cannot change and it dictates everything about us. You cannot ask an Orc to change the things that he does. You may see it as evil, I may see it the same. To him it is just a way of life and he is quite happy with it. To him, it is the right thing to do because, in the end, it is what is required for his people to survive.”

“And if that something is detrimental to my people,” Bob then added, “or yours?”

“It’s what we have now Bob,” the Emperor replied, “war. In the end who will win or loose is irrelevant.”

“No offense sir,” Bob respectfully replied, “but not in my profession.”

“Of course, and I understand how you see it that way,” Sol replied in an equally respectful tone. He then added, “even if I think that victory is important, in the end, nature does not. If the Orc are to go extinct or if it is we, factors beyond the battlefield will ultimately decide this matter. You could even say that a defeat on the battlefield would contribute to your survival, if that is how the mechanisms of life function.”

“I’ll definitely have to think on that one Sol,” Bob said with a snicker.

The Emperor replied with a playful snicker after he finished his drink, “one day we may see eye to eye on this one.” Sol walked for the door he came in by and he said as he did, “if you have not believed anything that I’ve said to you here, trust this one parting bit of advice.”

Now Bob was becoming confused again. Why was Sol leaving? Bob wondered that when he asked, “what advice?”

“No matter what else happens in the Er-Tegan Forest, Colonel, don’t loose your command,” Sol told him seriously. “That could have disastrous consequences for us all.”

Bob stepped towards the door as the Emperor was leaving. Bob asked him quickly, “wait a minute sir, isn’t this your chamber? I mean don’t I…”

It amused the Emperor and he stopped for one last parting comment, “no colonel. This isn’t my chamber. For the time being, it’s yours. Enjoy yourself.” He left.

No sooner had one set of doors shut when another opened. The woman who gave the pedicure came in and shut those doors behind her. She was as pleasant as before and she stopped behind Bob as she said, “let me take your coat colonel.” Bob did not know what to say so he just let her do it. As she slid off the coat and hung it up she explained, “the television has several football games recorded. They are the ones you have missed since coming to Feyland. I can order you some food if you like, anything you want. There is also…”

“Wait a minute,” Bob shook his head and waived his hands around, “um, I’m a little confused by all this.”

The woman walked up to Bob, put her arms over his shoulders, kissed him and then said, “are you confused now sir?”

“Uh….” Bob was, so, he didn’t bother to reply.

A few hours later, Bob was back in the American Embassy and hoping to hell it was not Mary who would come through the door for a debriefing. He was very relieved to see Bunker and Garret show up. Then Jim pointed at his colonel and said, “you’re glowing Bob.”

“Shut up Jim,” Bob snapped back. He should have stayed longer!

Bunker took a seat in the fold out chair across the table from Bob and then just simply put it, “so what the hell did Solenceaus want?”

Bob gave them a run down on the meeting. He even told them about all of the protocol foreplay but, left out the official imperial debriefing which was, quite literally, just that. When he was done he noted, “so if you can make something out of all that, you got one up on me.”

It was quite surprising when Bunker did, “I suspect that this meeting had very little to do with us.”

Garret was on board with that, “he’s sending a message to his own people. The question is why?”

Bunker laughed, “isn’t it obvious? These people would much rather shoot at each other. I get the impression they have considerably more practice at it.”
“Fine,” Garret brushed it all off as irrelevant and then continued, “I got some news for you Bob. We just got word from Way Out. Seems that the SF boys and one of your companies managed to locate our two little lost sheep.”

Bob stood up and unhooked his tie, “good. I’m on the first chopper back to Seau-Neaut.”

Before his colonel could leave the debriefing room, Garret had to ask, “what’s your plan Bob? The word I’m getting from your firebase is that it couldn’t stop a pack of flies.”

Bob shrugged, “then we don’t try. We go over on the offensive, get what we went there for, and then get the hell out.”

When the door shut, and Bob was gone, Garret looked to the ambassador and said, “doesn’t sound to me like the Emperor is all that concerned with the orcs.”

“Jim,” Bunker replied, “I wish like hell I could tell you I’m surprised but, for some reason, I’m not. I just hope to god…”

Garret raised a brow to that, “hope to god what?”

Bunker sighed in despair, “hope to god he wasn’t serious.”