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Lianne Shaw looked out the window of the Ryanair Boeing 737 she was in, as it took off from London’s Stansted Airport on an eighty-minute flight to Bremen, Germany.  Seated next to her was her friend and employer, London lawyer Penelope D’Arcy.

Even though it was a business trip, Lianne was excited to get away for a few days – the two of them had spent way too much time cooped up inside the office lately.  It was summer, after all!

As the plane gained altitude, and the interior of the plane got more chilly, Lianne was thankful that she had picked out a slightly warmer outfit: a long-sleeved hunter-green long sweater over a light-blue dress blouse, with brown hose and ankle boots.  A brown belt around her waist kept her sweater snug against her body.  With her short blonde/brown hair, it was a good look!

She looked around – the other seats around them were empty.  She turned to Penelope, who was also dressed in a warmer outfit; in her sleeveless vest, olive colored shirt, and tan riding pants with black boots, Lianne’s blonde-haired boss looked ready to do some horseback riding, if the opportunity presented itself!

“So,” Lianne broke the silence, “what kind of business trip is this, after all?  You’ve been pretty quiet since we left the office…is this about a new case you’re working on?”

“Officially, yes,” Penelope turned to her secretary, as she too glanced around to make sure no one could hear.  “Unofficially…I’m on a mission.”

“A mission?  Something from the Agency? Did you bring your ‘Black Arrow’ costume and stuff?”  Lianne was equal parts excited and apprehensive; her employer’s previous ‘missions’ for the mysterious Agency had been both adventure-filled and dangerous, and in a couple of cases, Lianne had been unwillingly pulled into them.

“Yes, Lianne, yes, yes,” Penelope replied with a grin.  “But this only involves me; once we get to where we are staying, you are under direct orders to have fun!  I will do what I need to do, procure this item that they have asked me to get for them, and then hopefully we can relax, put our feet up, and enjoy the rest of our stay.”

“Now you are speaking my language!” Lianne gushed.  “Wow, it must be something important, for them to send you all the way to Germany!”

“It seems that way.  I don’t even know what’s so important about it; it’s just a piece of amber, about the size of a credit card.  The Agency doesn’t really like to give out much information.  As they like to say, it’s on a ‘need-to-know’ basis.  And frankly, the less I know, the less chance there is of danger, in my experience.”

“So you don’t need my help at all, then?” Lianne asked, looking somewhat hopeful that maybe she might be a bit useful in some way.

“Well, I might have you drive me close to the museum.  That way, I don’t have to worry about leaving a car somewhere to be spotted, in case someone is watching my every move.  Then, you can come back at a predetermined time and get me.”

“Driving Miss D’Arcy!” Lianne giggled, and Penelope couldn’t resist laughing along with her blonde-haired friend.  “I would be happy to help, you know that!  A museum, huh?  Wow, this sounds very ‘secret agent-y’!”

“Yeah, I’ve never broken into a museum before.  The Agency was kind enough to provide me with this,” and she retrieved a piece of paper from her suit-jacket pocket.  “A schematic diagram of the museum, along with the locations of all the security I’ll have to circumvent, in order to procure this item.”  She opened the folded piece of paper, and started sliding her fingers over it as she spoke.  “There are motion sensors all over the place…laser beams…and of course, security guards.  I have to get past all of that, and make my way to this room here,” and she pointed to one corner of the diagram, which was on the opposite side of where the entrance was.

“How do you even get in?” Lianne asked.

“That’s the fun part – I am going in before the museum closes.  I’ll have my ‘Black Arrow’ costume under a sweater and jeans; I have packed all of my gadgets just right, so that when I go through the x-ray machine at the entrance, nothing suspicious will show up.  Of course, I have my taser phone in there, which looks just like a regular phone; my other gadgets are so small, and already embedded into the inside pockets of my leotard, that they won’t even be picked up.”

“So then, you’ll find a restroom and change, and wait until the museum closes?”

“Precisely.  Then it’s just a matter of making it all the way back to here,” and she pointed, “without setting off any of the alarms, or being noticed by any of the security guards.  Once I get to the display case, my access card descrambler should give me access to the item.  And then, the job is half over.  I still have to get out.”

Lianne looked over at Penelope; in her riding outfit and black boots, with her blonde hair up in a bun, she looked nothing like a spy - which she supposed was the point, after all.  “How much longer till we get there?”

“I think another 30 minutes or so.  Then we pick up our hire car, drive to the hotel, and I’ll go through everything again, to make sure I know exactly how I’m going to pull this off.  The museum closes at 9; I’ll have you get me there between 8:30 and 8:45.  I figure it will take me no more than an hour in and an hour out, so I’ll have you pick me up at the drop point at 10:30.”

The two young women spent the next half-hour in relative silence; Lianne was looking out the window, enjoying the scenery, and thinking about all the fun she would have over the next two weeks.  Penelope, meanwhile, was going over the museum in her head, trying to think of every possible scenario she might encounter.  She had encountered enough unexpected danger in her previous missions; she hoped she had learned something from all of those experiences.  She looked back over the diagram in her hand of the Kunsthalle Art Museum, memorizing every detail she could.  She knew that once inside the museum, looking at the map would be impractical.  She’d have it hidden inside her suit just in case, though.

Penelope felt a shiver run through her as she had a memory from her last mission, of being knocked out.   She had had that experience, as a matter of fact, on every mission she had up till now – in some cases more than once!  She had never confided this in anyone else, not even Lianne, but being knocked out gave her a thrill. Even the idea was enough to send shivers all through her body!  She lamented it a bit, that this mission seemed to be less dangerous than the other ones she had been on – there seemed to be little chance that she would experience that thrill this time.  She let out a tiny sigh – maybe it was for the best, she thought.  Maybe, this once, she could finish a mission quickly and with no problems!

The plane landed; Penelope and Lianne disembarked, retrieved their bags, and walked down the terminal to the auto rental booth.  It took a few minutes – the attendant’s English was almost as bad as Penelope’s German – but finally, they walked away with the keys to a gold-colored BMW sedan.  Penelope winked as she tossed the keys to Lianne.  

“Here you go, you might as well get used to driving me around!” she laughed.

“Fine,” Lianne grinned, “but you are gonna have to tell me how to get to the hotel, I have no idea where I’m going!”

“Deal,” Penelope smiled.  “I have a map of Bremen right here,” and she reached into her purse, as they were putting their bags in the trunk.  They got in, and Lianne pulled out of the parking lot, following her employer’s instructions to get to the hotel.

It was 7:00 local time by the time they finally got into their hotel room.  Lianne went ahead and ordered them up some room service; Penelope insisted on only ordering a salad – the last thing she needed, as she crept stealthily around a museum, was a heavy meal inside slowing her down!

The food came quickly, and Penelope took a few minutes to eat, then opened her bag and pulled out her ‘Black Arrow’ leotard, holding it up.  “Time to get ready!” she announced.  As Lianne ate and watched, Penelope pulled off her black boots, and then slid off her riding pants, revealing the black hose she was wearing underneath.  She unbuttoned the vest, and neatly folded it and the pants before placing them back in the bag.

Penelope reached down to the bottom of her olive-colored shirt and quickly pulled it over her head; she glanced down at her lacy white bra, contemplating leaving it on for extra support…but the leotard was tight enough as it was, so she reached back, unhooked it, and let it fall away.  Now topless, she stepped into the black leotard, and pulled the straps up and over her shoulders.  She adjusted the fit around her breasts and torso, and then took a glance in the mirror, as Lianne whistled playfully.

“Black Arrow!” Lianne exclaimed.  “It’s still just as exciting as the first time I found out that my boss is a super-secret spy…!”

“Shh,” Penelope put her finger over her lips.  “You promised never to tell anyone, remember?”

“And I never will,” Lianne declared resolutely, as Penelope reached into her bag for the jeans she had brought with her, and pulled them up her legs and over her hips.  A navy-blue sweater came next, and then the black boots she had been wearing before.

“Well, Lianne, I think I am just about ready,” she announced, as she slid her taser phone into her front jeans pocket.  “Are you done eating yet?” she teased.

“One more bite,” Lianne muttered as she stuffed the last of her fettuccine entrée into her mouth.  “Okay, I have the car key, the room key, I think I’m ready, let’s go!”

Penelope checked one last time, to make sure she had everything she needed; then she followed Lianne out the door and out to the hire car.  It was a short drive from their hotel to the museum, maybe five minutes.  As they drove past the pond that flanked the museum, their eyes widened at how gorgeous the museum’s reflection was, in the water, with all of the lights.  Penelope checked her watch – it was 8:28.

“Stop here,” she directed, as Lianne came to a stop before turning towards the museum.  I’ll walk from here – it’s not far, and this will be a good place to pick me up from.  It’s well-lit and out in the open.”

“Okay,” Lianne answered, as Penelope opened the door.  “Please be careful, ok?”

“I will,” Penelope responded, as she stepped out and closed the door behind her, waiting for Lianne to drive away before starting her walk towards the museum.  She had done her homework on this museum; she knew it had just recently re-opened after two years of renovation and additions, and she knew that this night, Tuesday night, was the only night during the week that it was open late.  Most days it closed at 5, but tonight it closed at 9.  The combination of the oncoming darkness and the staff’s eagerness to leave would hopefully make this task a bit easier.

Penelope walked casually up the steps and pushed open one of the glass doors.  There was a roped-off queue, where the metal detectors were; she strode through it as if she’d done it a hundred times before.  As expected, it went off; she reached into her pocket, removed her phone and waved it in front of the guard, who motioned for her to place it on the table next to her.   Then he did a cursory wave with his wand, and, satisfied with the results, motioned her to proceed.  She picked up her phone again, re-pocketing it; if the guard had any inkling that the phone contained a powerful taser, he surely would have never let her keep it.  Step 1 was complete.

She checked her watch again: 8:37.  She had plenty of time to walk to the wing of the museum where the item was held; there was a restroom about thirty meters from her destination, and that’s where she needed to be at 9:00.  She walked slowly through the halls, pausing here and there as if admiring different works of art; the few patrons she saw were all heading in the direction of the exit.  She turned the corner and proceeded into the east wing of the museum, past a security guard who was too busy talking on his phone to acknowledge her, and then, into the ladies’ room.

Penelope checked the stalls; they were all empty.  It was 8:50 – ten minutes before the museum was about to close for the night.  She withdrew her phone, placing it on a sink, then peeled off her boots, unzipped and removed her jeans, and then pulled her sweater over her head.  She reached into the back pockets of her jeans and pulled out her black gloves, putting them on next.  The sweater and jeans she tossed in the trash can; they were old anyway.  She put her boots back on, and slid the phone inside one of the special pockets in her suit, then checked herself in the mirror one more time; she was Penelope D’Arcy no longer.  She was Black Arrow!  

“I’m as ready as I can be,” she told herself, as she glanced at her watch until it finally read 9:00.  Much of the staff had already left, she knew from her intel; the rest would be leaving now, so she waited quietly in one of the bathroom stalls, trying to control her breathing – especially when the door opened, as one of the night guards looked in to make sure no patrons were left in the museum.  From the brevity of his stay, she knew she was safe.  But, just to be completely sure, she waited in the bathroom another ten minutes.

She pushed the door open slowly, looking in both directions before stepping out.  The intel that she had received along with the map gave her the locations of both the security guards and the cameras, but she was not taking any chances.  She pressed herself against the wall, and started sliding slowly to her right along it, right underneath the first security camera; the camera was angled to catch motion in the center of the hall, but the wall directly below it was a blind spot, so she was invisible to it!

Black Arrow continued to slide carefully along the wall for another ten meters, until she reached the next corner.  As she made the turn, she could see the room she was heading to for the first time; it was about twenty meters away, and she knew from the map that there were invisible lasers blocking her path.  ‘So far, so good,’ she breathed, as she slid carefully to the side to avoid the second security camera.

She reached into her suit and from one of its pockets she withdrew a small vial of red powder.  Opening it, she tossed the powder towards the area where the lasers were – and as if by magic, they appeared!  She knew the powder’s effects wouldn’t last long, so she slid down onto her belly and crawled under the first laser.  Once she was past it, she slowly moved into a crouch and tumbled forward, over one laser and under another.  She paused, waiting to see if she had tripped an alarm, but everything was silent.

The next maneuver was like something out of a movie – she turned sideways and did a cartwheel, neatly avoiding three crisscrossing lasers in front of her, then slid down on her stomach one more time to slide under the final laser.  She took a deep breath; she had made it past them all!

The next safeguard was the lock on the door; she replaced the empty vial and removed her electronic lock picker.  A few turns, a couple of buttons, and the lock clicked open.  She carefully turned the knob and opened the door, tiptoeing into the room.

The lights were off, but she could still see that it was a World War II exhibit room; in the various display cases were weapons, ammunition, and other artifacts from the war.  She turned to her left, and spied what she was looking for: a drawer with a combination lock.  She retrieved a second tiny vial from her suit, and sprinkled the white powder over the keypad, revealing fingerprints on the numbers 1, 6, and 9.  Penelope took a deep breath and checked the time: 9:55.  ‘Time flies when you’re busy,’ she thought, as she hit the keys in order: 1, then 6, then 9.  

Nothing happened.

‘Okay, not a problem, just got to try them in a different order,’ and she pressed 9-6-1.  There was a tiny click, and the drawer popped open.  With her right gloved hand, she reached in and removed the credit card-sized piece of amber.

Black Arrow looked at it, and she couldn’t help but wonder what the big deal was.  Other than a curious groove at one end, it didn’t look like much of anything.  But it was exactly as the Agency had described it, and they were paying her to retrieve it, so that’s all that mattered.  She bent down to the floor, pressed her left hand against her right heel, and a small compartment in her boot bottom opened – a compartment just big enough for the amber key to fit inside.  She had learned the hard way that anything she found of value had to be hidden in a way that nobody else could find it.  

She closed the compartment, and stood back up slowly, looking around.  Everything was the same as it was when she entered; there was no reason to think her presence had been detected.  She closed the drawer slowly, waiting for it to click back locked, and then crept towards the door.  Just as she was sliding through it, a loud siren interrupted the dead silence.

‘I must have triggered an alarm somehow – but how?’ Black Arrow mused, as she ran through the laser-protected concourse, towards the main section of the museum.  As she did, she reached into her suit and took out her phone, pushing the recessed button that activated taser mode.  She heard footsteps approaching, and ducked behind a wall, waiting.

A big, burly, security guard, with his gun drawn, came barreling through the entrance to the east wing.  Black Arrow waited until he had passed her, then came up quickly behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.  The surprised man whirled around, and as he did, she pressed the taser into his chest and activated it.  His eyes widened as he convulsed and shook for a few seconds, then he crumpled harmlessly to the floor.

‘I gotta get out of here before too many more of these guys show up,’ Black Arrow thought, as she raced out of the east wing.  The alarm klaxon continued to sound throughout the museum; as she ran, she half-hoped she would make it out without trouble, and half-hoped she would get knocked out along the way!  She tried to push the second thought out of her mind as she ran towards the front entrance.  As it finally came into view, so did two more security guards.  

Their weapons were still holstered, but they saw her at the same time that she spied them, so there would be no element of surprise this time.  In addition, she knew she couldn’t taser them both, so she quickly put it away and came up with a new strategy of escape.

She positioned herself about thirty feet away from the double glass doors at the entrance, looking back and forth at the two guards.  One was to her left, the other to her right, and they were waiting for her to make a move.  She took a deep breath, and then started racing towards the doors as fast as she could.  The two men charged simultaneously towards the spot she was heading for, both determined to stop her from getting out!

She was about eight feet away from the doors, and they were both about to collide with her from either side, when she suddenly dropped to the floor in a dead slide.  The two guards couldn’t stop themselves in time, and as she slid hard through the doors, they collided hard with each other, exactly the way she had planned!  She got to her feet, knowing that law enforcement would surely be there in a few minutes, and she had no time to celebrate her escape…

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As this was transpiring, Lianne was sitting a few hundred yards away, in the driver’s seat of the hire car, waiting to pick Penelope up at the same place she had dropped her off a couple of hours earlier.  She had gone back to the hotel, reclining comfortably on her bed as she watched some TV, and then headed back out in plenty of time to pick up her employer.  It was a hot and humid night, and there wasn’t much traffic.  She had the two front windows rolled down for some fresh air as she waited and wondered what sort of adventure Penelope was having.

She was snapped out of her reverie by a sudden tap from the passenger door.  A tall, slender man was standing there, in a t-shirt and jeans, looking at her through the window.  She turned to see who it was.

“Hello, miss,” the man spoke in halted English.  “What are you doing out here at night, all alone like this?”

Lianne swallowed hard, trying not to show her trepidation.  “I’m…waiting for someone.”  Her heart raced, as she tried to think of what to say.  “Umm…HE should be here any moment, and he won’t be happy if he sees me talking to another man, do you understand?”

The man grinned.  “I don’t mean any…harm, Miss.  It’s a nice night, I was just walking along and saw you and wanted to show you that Bremen is a…friendly city, you see.”

Lianne’s eyes were darting about – she was keeping an eye on him, but also looking beyond him, hoping to see Penelope coming.  Her attention was completely to her right; she never saw the second man as he reached through the open driver’s window, clamping a cloth over her face.

“Mmmmm! MMMMM!” she gasped, as her hands instinctively went up to try and dislodge his grip over her face, but his hands were large and strong and much more powerful than hers.  Her shocked eyes pleaded with the first man, as he watched her trying to struggle.

“Looks like your friend didn’t make it in time to…save you,” he chuckled, as Lianne’s eyes fluttered weakly.  A few more breaths of what she knew was surely chloroform, and she suddenly slumped forward against the steering wheel, out cold.  The larger man released his grip, pushing her over towards the passenger seat, as his accomplice opened the passenger door and helped him slide her into the passenger seat in front.  

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Black Arrow, aka Penelope D’Arcy, started to run as fast she could towards the rendezvous point.  She rounded the trees that lined the area between the museum and the pond, and that’s when she saw the two men pushing Lianne into the passenger seat of their hire car.

“No!” she screamed, as she ran towards the car.  The two men heard her, and quickly jumped into the car; the larger man was in the driver’s seat, and he wasted no time in turning the key, starting the car, and taking off, away from the museum and Penelope.  She ran as fast as she could after it, but it was no use, she couldn’t outrun a car.  She finally slowed to a stop, panting hard, and her enthusiasm at escaping the museum had turned to anger and sadness.  

‘I should never have gotten Lianne involved.  This is all my fault!’ she thought, as she stared down the empty road where the car had gone.  Behind her, police cars were pulling up to the museum’s entrance, but that didn’t concern her at the moment.  Her thoughts were on Lianne; she had to find her before something truly awful happened to her!  She wasn’t expecting what happened next…

“THWACK!”
A blackjack came down against the base of her skull, wielded by an unknown attacker, and Black Arrow fell to the earth, unconscious before she hit the ground.  Her last moment of consciousness was filled with two opposite feelings: that sudden thrill she experienced every time she was knocked out, and guilt and remorse that she had failed to rescue her friend – and was now likely a captive herself…
This is the third chapter (Finally!) It introduces two more characters to the story - Penelope D'Arcy, aka Black Arrow, and her friend/secretary, Lianne Shaw.  Both characters, as well as Amanda Jones, Ciara Nightingale, Hannah Duffy, and Katrin Weber, are the OCs and property of :icontorqual3d:

This is my second story involving Penelope and Lianne.  The first, "Penelope's Next Mission", can be found here: wondercuria-dd.deviantart.com/…

Please feel free to leave any comments, ideas, or critiques!!

DD 

Updated 9/24/14 with some minor edits, thanks to :iconmosby1865: and his critique!
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:iconmosby1865:
Ah, the plot thickens!

I'll admit my first thought, having read the first two chapters, was wondering where chronologically this chapter falls in relation to the others. For instance, is this the same key-half which Amanda has later, or the other half? I'll note -- it's perfectly fine that you don't explain that chronology in this chapter. Playing with chronology for dramatic reasons is fine, and (I think) to be encouraged! As long as the chronology is eventually sorted out, there's no need for it in this particular spot. You've got me wondering, and that's great.

It was interesting to start off from Lianne's point of view, as my impression is that her thoughts/character are still a relative kernel compared to some of T3D's other characters. But I like getting to know more about all of them, so it was pleasing to see here. But you then handle the transition from single to dual-point-of-view pretty seamlessly.

The outfit descriptions were well-handled, as were the descriptions of getting in and out of them! It's no small feat to give us Penelope in 3 distinct outfits in a story of this brevity :) One momentary meta-thought did occur to me when Penelope is undressing/redressing in the hotel, concerning her undergarments, or lack thereof -- and if the scene, the way you described it, is integral for you, then don't let me quibble with you about particulars. But I did expect Penelope to be wearing a bra under her traveling attire. Removing it before putting on the leotard might make sense, as leotards leave little room for extra clothing underneath; but then again, she might appreciate the support before going off to do spy-type acrobatics. If you wanted to go this route, having her think about these considerations might allow readers to go inside her head a little more, while drawing attention to scintillating details at the same time! I always find that having the scintillating details interwoven in an organic fashion strengthens the story. But, obviously, your call.

I like the way the Black Arrow side is introduced -- handling exposition can be tricky -- and Lianne's mixed emotions about being involved in a mission seem very reasonable and real.

“Driving Miss D’Arcy” gave me a chuckle :)

I really enjoyed seeing the planning and preparation that goes into Penelope’s mission; her skill is on display here, and that's important for this particular story because it helps set her apart from all the others in this ensemble cast. In a couple of spots in the pre-mission sequence it did feel like Lianne was asking questions about things she probably already knows, or Penelope was explaining things Lianne might already know about. As I said, exposition is tricky; sometimes dialogue is the best course for it, sometimes not. You could probably safely offload some of the exposition which is currently handled through Penelope/Lianne dialogue and put it in third person omniscient or limited language. Such as:

"She picked up her phone again, re-pocketing it. It was unlikely the guard would have allowed it if he were aware of the device's dual purpose as a taser,
but what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him. Not unless she had to use it."

I enjoyed the picture, btw – is that the actual museum? Where did you find the pic?

I understand Penelope’s backstory as being unusually drawn to knocked-out situations – I’ve talked about that with Torqual, as well – and it’s an interesting aspect to play with in this genre. So that’s canon. But is it canon that she gets knocked out on every mission? It’s hard to imagine that wouldn’t impact her record of success. And one wonders what the Agency would think of an agent who seemed to get knocked out too much, to the (sometime?) detriment of the jobs they send her on. As I have said before, the greatest of writing challenges hold opportunity – so why not make that a bone of contention with the Agency? Tension, distrust, or division, even amongst people nominally on the same side, can be great narrative elements. And from the little I understand about her history with the Agency, such would be completely in keeping with that backstory.

Furthermore, since the attraction to knockouts comes up in the course of the story, I felt like we should get some of her reaction at the point at which the guiltily-anticipated moment comes. Her borderline obsession has been made manifest; as she slips into unconsciousness, what does she think of it? To do this right may require further consultation with Torqual – for instance, is her thrill the moment of being knocked out? Or the feeling of waking up again, in someone else’s power? Both? This might help determine whether her reaction at the moment of being struck is a) the start of pleasurable release, or b) the last moment of heightened expectation before the release arrives when she wakes up. Added to the emotional turmoil, of course, is the fact that being knocked out means she is interrupted/foiled in her attempts to save her friend. Nothing wrong with inner turmoil – that’s often where intense characterization occurs.

By the way, considering Black Arrow’s worry over Lianne’s abduction, that felt appropriate. In a way, there’s a bit of a theme here – which really helps tie this chapter to the first two, considering there’s no character overlap between the chapters. The theme being concern (and responsibility) for one’s friends. Not sure if the theme constancy was put in intentionally, but well done either way :).

The way that timing figures into the story isn't a big deal unless it breaks immersion -- I had a moment of that while reading, but I don't think it would be a hard fix. That moment was when Penelope emerged from the bathroom at 9 o'clock on the dot. That may be the time the doors are locked and the museum closes, but the normal employees (security staff aside) wouldn't be gone yet. They would be shutting off lights, emptying trash, filling out time cards, etc., for at least a few more minutes. And I remember the times when I was in charge of closing up a facility, one part of the closing procedure was to check the bathrooms and make sure everyone was out. So to make this bit more realistic -- to fit with the realism of Black Arrow's ensuing spy maneuvers -- I might suggest a) having her wait a few more minutes, perhaps listening for the sound of employees passing by and then not returning, and/or b) having her hide somehow in the bathroom while an employee does a cursory check and misses her. Could be as simple as standing on the commode while someone quickly looks under all the stalls.

You could even have her wait to change into her outfit until she's sure that the daytime employees have left, so she has an alibi (tourist who tarried in the bathroom) if she is inadvertently discovered. That would showcase her skills again (planning for contingencies), allowing her to still catch one unwary employee off guard OR return another day, were she to be discovered.

The spy-type activities Black Arrow engages in are well-described, make sense, and are enjoyable to read. Nice!!

Also, I love how the way in which you refer to the main character changes after she's stripped down to her mission gear at the museum. It's entirely in keeping with her thought process and the way she perceives herself ("...she was Penelope D'Arcy no longer. She was Black Arrow!"). I told one of our fellow Summer Sleuths contributors that if the form of your writing itself conveys something about what's going on in the story -- diction, paragraph breaks, etc. -- then your words will be pulling double duty by getting across both meaning and atmosphere. In Chapter 3 here we believe more in the transition from Penelope to Black Arrow not only because she says it's happened, but because you show us it's happened, based on the name you use to refer to her after she's gone into "Black Arrow mode." Very well-played.

I think this chapter may have been the easiest to visualize yet, with some good description of action. And (at least for the moment) we're now well beyond the Summer Sleuths hijinks we've seen with the four other girls, so it's refreshing to see some originality in the way Penelope thinks, moves, and acts. It also helps set her apart from Amanda -- Penelope is hyper-prepared, whereas Amanda does little to prepare for meeting the bad guys in Chapter 2. I know I complained about Amanda's lack of preparation there -- and I still think she could have done somewhat more -- but I do like the contrast created between different heroines shown in the different ways they head into a situation. So I'll take back some of what I said :P And if these heroines are going to be sharing the spotlight, it's important that they be distinct. Fine marks for Technique and Impact as well -- though I think I would have scored Impact higher if there had been some payoff of Penelope's peculiar obsession at the moment that it starts to come true.

Great read! It's clear you put a lot of work into this, with the re-writes and all. I eagerly anticipate Chapter 4 :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconrenderpretender:
First of all, great story and build up so far. I can't wait to see (read) what happens next.

So, instead of critiquing the actual story which I think is just fine in the way you've told it; I do have some technical suggestions that might help with your story flow and dialogue.

I'm a comma llama. I overuse the comma frequently but I believe you have me beat by a long mile. ;)

Remember that typically using a comma signals the reader to pause, or if reading aloud tells the speaker to take a breath. As someone who is guilty of overusing commas I know the effect you are going for but it can become tedious, even jarring, to the reader to see so many in a sentence.

The Oxford Comma doesn't need to be used in front of the word AND unless you've made a list. That might help a little. :)

I think if you read over your work again you'll find you can delete probably about 75% of you commas and your story will flow like poetry. You have a nice writing style so let it all flow together. :)

Dialogue is very difficult and Stephen King wrote in On Writing that using ... is usually unnecessary because people don't typically take dramatic pauses when they speak. I will add that Adam West and William Shatner do take dramatic pauses but we make fun of them for doing it.

... is maybe best left to narrative and action instead of dialogue. Just a thought, unless the speaker is actually cut off while speaking. I've had to struggle with this idea too, trust me.

Also, you love to use the exclamation point! Excitement! Shock! Amazing!

It loses impact when overused. For instance...

She was very happy that her shoes didn't get muddy!

She was very happy that her shoes didn't get muddy.

Of course!

Of course.

Read it out loud to yourself and you'll probably see that in mundane circumstances and descriptions you didn't mean for your character's internal dialogue to sound bipolar. ;)

I give all my writing to someone else (usually my grammar-nazi wife) to look at before publishing. If you find a good editor to read your work out loud to you it will go a long way in helping you understand how others hear your words in their head.

Just one other thing and something a coworker turned me on to. There is a podcast called Grammar Girl (Google it) that I think all aspiring writers should listen to. She's really good at pointing out common mistakes we all make and some things will just make you laugh and smile at yourself.

Fiction is very forgiving and allows for an endless number of writing styles and I do like yours. With a few minor technical changes I really believe you could open your work up to a much wider audience.

Cheers!

RP
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:icontazlooking:
TazLooking Featured By Owner May 24, 2016
Continuing a great story!!!! Getting knocked out is OK for a character in a story. Having been knocked out, self inflicted, I can't recommend it, 4 years after and I still have issues from
the incident! OK, I'm done rambling, on to Chapter 4!!!!!
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner May 24, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Glad you are enjoying this!!!
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:iconforcemasterr:
ForceMasterR Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Most exciting! Two lovely new girls added to the mix, and one of them with a secret little kink of her own. Better and better!
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
And 6 is better than 4 right?
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:iconforcemasterr:
ForceMasterR Featured By Owner Jan 29, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh indeed!
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:iconsaloniko:
saloniko Featured By Owner Edited Oct 28, 2014
fun fun - i like Lianne best so far :)
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
yay :)
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:iconmosby1865:
Mosby1865 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014
A fine update, tightens things up considerably :)
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for all your help with it!
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:iconmosby1865:
Mosby1865 Featured By Owner Sep 30, 2014
Anytime.
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:iconnicelabs:
NICELabs Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Awesome :) :heart: :) 
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!! More to come :)
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:iconnicelabs:
NICELabs Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
:love: 
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:iconlinuscat07:
Linuscat07 Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014
The preparations Penelope took for her excursion into the museum were believable and I enjoyed how she dealt with the various security measures.  My one problem is with her fetish of desiring to be conked on the noggin and render unconscious.  I role play with a spirited lady whose character has a chloroform fetish and I try to work in a situation where that has an opportunity to happen.  She doesn't think about it during the role play but just enjoys it if it happens.  Having a desire to be knocked out, and it's not even subconscious - how effective is such an operative unless villains act like idiots.  I don't question having the kink, (every person I role play with or write a story for has at least one which I try to satisfy), but that it would be so up front.  Having such thoughts cluttering up your mind during a mission, to me, greatly adds to the risks of mission failure.  I know you might be thinking, 'What is he yammering on about?' but that's what struck me as I was reading it.

As for the final knockouts: no problem.  The one was a non professional and the men who took her down seemed to be very professional.  As for Penelope, I know that heavy panting shoots your hearing to hell and the fact she had just seen her friend kidnapped and her mind was on that; I have no trouble believing someone could get behind her to cosh her.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I understand your critique completely. The kink is part of her character...as far as I know it is the only one of Torqual's characters that has it. She doesn't think about it constantly but it does surface in her mind from time to time...part of what I like is her struggle in trying to justify it and deal with it. In every one of her adventures it has come up...she will even pretend to be knocked out on occasion and that satisfies her thrill...

She is not your typical operative either...the Agency has incriminating photos of her and part of the deal is that they won't share them, as long as she takes on missions for them as needed. That was from his "Working Late" story and is also mentioned at the start of my earlier Penelope story. :)
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:iconwhite0wlsuperheroine:
White0wlsuperheroine Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ouch  Poor Penelope--you'd think she'd wear a crash helmet as often as this happens to her.  Good pacing and continuation of clues too
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! ;)
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:iconpizzanerd1:
pizzanerd1 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014
An excellent story. The mystery behind the Amber Room thickens. Can't wait to see what those thugs do now that they have the lovely Penelope and Lianne.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!! :)
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:iconmonshogaku:
monshogaku Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014
This was a great chapter. One thing I appreciate is that you were able to drop small subplots throughout the story while keeping the main story flowing. Can't wait for the next chapter...
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! A lot of work went into this one, a couple of rewrites along the way...hopefully the next one comes out easier :)
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:iconspadassin1968:
Spadassin1968 Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014
Good story my dear , i can't wait for chapter four .:)
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Sep 19, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!!
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