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Hannah Duffy pushed open the door to her room at the youth hostel.  The 20-year-old redhead from Ireland was exhausted; the trek from the train station to the hostel had been longer than expected.  She walked in, placed her backpack neatly on the floor at the foot of the nearest bed, and then collapsed on top of it.

A moment later, her traveling companion, 19-year-old Katrin Weber, stumbled into the room, and looked over the two remaining beds before plunking down on the one nearest the window.  The blonde German girl wasted no time in slipping her feet out of the three-inch open-toed heels she had been wearing.

“Ugh,” she moaned, “my feet…are killing me…” She stretched her legs out, happy to give them a rest.

“I told you, Kat,” Hannah rebuked her, “that comfort is more important than fashion.  But no, you never listen!”  She slipped her hose-covered feet out of her blue sneakers.  She reached down to her waist, grasping the bottom of her copper-red sweater and pulling it over her head.  “I’m getting a shower first this time,” she proclaimed, stepping out of her green miniskirt on the way to the bathroom.

“Fine,” Kat replied, as she unbuttoned the single button holding her short green sweater closed.  “I wonder where Amanda is?” she shouted, but Hannah had already found the shower controls and turned them on.

The ‘Amanda’ she was referring to was Amanda Jones, an 18-year-old American girl that they had first met up with at a hostel in Milan a couple of weeks ago.  Despite the fact that all three were from different countries, they had instantly hit it off, and after just a couple of hours of hanging out, they had decided to become traveling companions for the rest of the summer.  Though the youngest, Amanda quickly became the ‘de facto’ leader of the trio; she had experiences that defied her youth, and was eager to share about her ‘amateur sleuthing’ with Hannah and Kat, who drank in every word.

Their travels took them through northern Italy, Switzerland, and western Austria; each night in a different hostel, each night a different tale spun by Amanda about either one of her own adventures, or an adventure that she wanted to experience someday!  She had a flair for the dramatic, a nose for mystery, and a love of history, and both Hannah and Kat found themselves drawn into the world that Amanda was describing to them.

The night before, at a hostel in Augsburg, in southern Bavaria, Amanda’s story had to do with the Amber Room.  The other two girls listened in rapt attention as Amanda told the tale of the once-proclaimed ‘Eighth Wonder of the World’: a beautiful room, the walls carved completely out of solid amber, a gift from Frederick I of Prussia to Peter the Great of Russia in the early 1700’s.  She explained how Catherine the Great created the magnificent room inside her palace a few miles south of St. Petersburg, and how it remained there until the Nazis invaded Russia in 1941.  Despite the best efforts of the Russians to hide the amber walls, the Nazis discovered them, removed them, and transported them back to Germany, along with thousands of other pieces of Russian art.

In 1945, the Amber Room, along with many other pieces of art, vanished from where the Nazis had been keeping them, and no one had laid eyes on the Amber Room since!  Hannah and Kat were enthralled, as Amanda recounted how many treasure hunters and others had searched for the Amber Room, and how many of them had died or disappeared, lending credence to the ‘Amber Room Curse’.  

The next morning, Hannah and Kat awakened to find that their friend had already left; she had left them a note, directing them to take the next train to a small town in northern Bavaria called Konigsberg.  She said in the note that she was meeting a friend there, but would reserve a room for the three of them at the hostel…and so Hannah and Kat had followed her instructions, eventually ending up where they were now.

Kat was already out of her remaining clothes, eagerly waiting, as Hannah walked out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her.  “Still no Amanda?” she asked, and Kat shook her head no as they passed each other.  Hannah reached into her pack for a set of clean clothes, and that’s when she noticed the small package with a note attached, sitting on the table.

As she pulled on a fresh set of hose, a clean sweater, and a skirt, she looked over the note, which read:

“Hannah and Kat –
I am in town with my friend; we are catching up a bit.  She is as adventurous as I am so you can imagine we have a lot to talk about!  
The story I told you last night, about the Amber Room, I may have stumbled onto something!  It’s inside the package, whatever you do, do NOT let it out of your sight, and do NOT let anyone know that we have it!  If I’m right, it may be part of the key to finding the greatest lost treasure on earth…I’ll tell you more when I get back!

Amanda”

Hannah’s eyes widened as she read the note.  She picked up the small manila envelope, it was fairly lightweight.  She started to open it; then she stopped, and read the note again.  It only served to pique her curiosity even more, and she ripped the envelope open.  A small, yellow-colored object fell out into her palm.

Hannah looked at it closely, running her fingers over it.  It was solid, maybe two inches long and the same thickness as a credit card, and somewhat resembled a piece from a jigsaw puzzle.  It wasn’t gold - that much she knew.  Kat emerged from the bathroom, and walked over to where Hannah was standing.

“What’s that?” she asked.  Hannah picked up the note and thrust it into Kat’s hand.  Kat looked it over, her eyes widening as well when she got to the part about the item.  When she was done, Hannah handed her the strange-looking puzzle piece.

“I was looking forward to going into town myself,” Hannah muttered, as she bent down and picked up her shoes.  “I guess we better not go anywhere until Amanda gets back, though.”

“Nonsense,” Kat declared, as she placed the object on the table, and went to get some clothes out to wear.  “After the long day on the train, and the walk to get here, I am ready to go have some fun!”

“But,” Hannah protested, “we’re not supposed to let that thing out of our sight! You read the note!”

“That’s why we’re taking it with us,” Kat replied, as she picked up a pair of her short khaki shorts.  She turned the waistband inside out, showing Hannah the hidden pocket within.  “I’ll slide it in here, and nobody will ever know we have it!”  To emphasize her point, she picked up the small object and slid it into the pocket.  “Ta-Da! A perfect fit!” she laughed.

“That’s perfect!” Hannah exclaimed.  “I think Amanda is starting to rub off on you!  That’s just the sort of thing she would think to do!”

“What did she call us the other night – the ‘Summer Sleuths’?  Well, if we are going to live up to that name, what better time to start!”  She finished getting her outfit on; it was no less revealing than the clothing she had on before.  Her sweater, with its single button, covered a silver top that concealed her breasts and nothing else; her shorts were so short than none of her legs were covered at all.  She slipped on a pair of heels and pronounced herself ready to go!

“You and your outfits!” Hannah exclaimed, as Kat spun around while looking in the mirror.  “At least I don’t ever feel under-dressed when you’re around!”  

Kat just laughed.  “Don’t you worry, Hannah, the boys are going to notice you too!  I happen to know that these German boys have a thing for red-haired Irish girls!”

“Ha!  Maybe, but I’ll bet you get asked to dance first!”

“You’re on!”  Kat grabbed Hannah’s hand, and the two girls dashed out the door, heading towards town, hoping to find Amanda, adventure, or both!


A few moments later, the two girls found themselves out by the street, waiting for a cab to take them into town – Kat had announced that she was done with walking for the day!  As the sun set, they looked back at the hostel behind them, a magnificent yellow building on the hill, with red trim around the doors, seemingly a reminder of days past.

“I am making a note of this address, just in case we get a little…crazy tonight,” Hannah laughed, as a cab pulled up beside them.  In German, the cabbie asked, “Where to?”

“We want to go to the best club in town!” Kat replied, and Hannah nodded her agreement.  While not as ‘party-minded’ as her blonde German friend, Hannah was looking forward to letting loose a bit – that WAS what the whole purpose of this summer trip was supposed to be, after all.  Her family had wanted her to spend the summer on their sheep farm in County Wicklow, but Hannah had convinced them that after a long year of studies, she needed the break.  They knew that when Hannah was determined to do something, it was pointless to try and convince her otherwise.  They had seemed happier when she had called to let them know that she had found new friends to travel with!

The cab dropped them off in front of a bar called ‘Drachenloch’.  Hannah handed the driver some euros, as Kat opened the door to get out first.  Once both girls were standing on the street, Kat raised her hands in the air triumphantly.  They could hear music and other commotion coming from inside the bar as they walked towards the door.

“Okay, Hannah, this is my kind of place!” Kat exclaimed.  “I’ll go in first.  Wait about ten seconds, and then walk in like you own the place,” she added with a wink.

“Umm, okay, whatever you say,” Hannah quipped, wondering what her friend was up to.  She watched curiously as Kat pushed open the door and walked in.

“Hello, boys!”  Kat announced, in German, as she strode in confidently past the rows of tables, heading towards the back of the bar, where the dance floor and drinks were located.  A few whistles greeted her as she passed the tables.  Hannah waited ten seconds, and then walked in after her.

All eyes turned to see the girl with the copper-red hair, as she looked around until she saw Kat waving at her from the back.  She didn’t even make it all the way before a big, burly man with short brown hair stepped in front of her.

“Tanz?” he blurted out.

Hannah looked a bit lost.  “Excuse me?”

“Ah…you speak English…dance?”

“Oh…yes, I would like to…dance!”  He took her by the elbow and led her over to the dance floor.  The German version of Paramore’s ‘Still Into You’ was pumping through the sound system, as Hannah glanced over at Kat.  She couldn’t help but laugh as she read Kat’s lips: “Told ya!”

“I’m Billy…my name is Billy…” her partner shouted over the music.  “You’re really pretty, your red hair, and your accent…Irish?”

“Yes…Irish…I’m Hannah…thank you!”  She had only been in Drachenloch a couple of minutes, and she was definitely enjoying herself!

Kat smiled, happy with her efforts, and then she turned her attention to the bartender.  “Nice place,” she muttered in German.

“What can I get you, blondie?” he asked, nodding at her comment.

Kat reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone, scrolling through her photos until she found a selfie she had taken the day before, with Amanda between her and Hannah.  She held it up to the bartender so he could see it clearly.  “The girl in the middle, she’s an American, have you seen her in here today?”

The bartender shook his head.  “Can’t say as I have.  Maybe one of the regulars has though.”  The song had just ended, and Billy and Hannah were walking towards Kat.  “Billy, you seen an American girl in here earlier?”  Kat turned her phone towards Hannah’s dance partner.

“Oh, yeah, I seen her.  Nosy bitch.  Asking questions about stuff that’s none of her business.  Yeah, she was here.”  He looked down at Kat.  “You a friend or something?”

Before Kat could answer, Hannah whirled into a rage.  “That ‘nosy bitch’, as you called her, is MY friend, and the last time I checked, there wasn’t any law against asking a few questions!”

“Whoa there, Red,” Billy retorted, “don’t get your panties in a bunch.”  He looked down at Kat again, speaking in German.  “You girls should leave.  Now.  Your friend’s not here anymore.”

“We will leave,” Hannah glared at him, “when we are good and ready.”  Billy seemed surprised that Hannah knew what he was saying.  “I do understand a bit of German, thanks to my friend here.”

A voice from behind caused all three of them to turn.  “Is this guy bothering you?”  The voice belonged to a tall, young-looking blond blue-eyed man.  Billy was big, but this man dwarfed him.  He was a good four inches taller than Billy, and no less stout – built like a redwood.

“Go away,” Billy barked, “this doesn’t concern you.”  He tried to push the newcomer away, but the man didn’t take his advice.

“I believe you’re the one who needs to go.  After you apologize to these fine young ladies.”

“Did you not hear me?” Billy repeated, “This doesn’t concern you!” And he swung his fist wildly at the blond man’s head, missing his nose by an inch.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” the man grinned, as he reached up, grabbed Billy by the collar, and threw him against the bar.  Billy swung and missed again, and the man grabbed his arm and yanked it behind his back, before tossing him up on top of the bar roughly, shattering glasses in the process.

“Who do you think you a-” Billy started to yell, but a fist from the man connected hard with his jaw, silencing him.  Hannah and Kat had moved over by the tables, watching the one-sided fight with the rest of the patrons.  

Billy managed to get himself off the bar and back on his feet, blood oozing from his chin.  “I’ll get you!” he shouted in German, as he rushed blindly at the man, who deftly moved out of his way, grabbing him by the shoulders as he did, and throwing him hard into one of the columns supporting the ceiling.  Billy staggered to his feet, took one last look at the man, and then turned and stumbled out of the bar, to a few muted cheers.

“Thank you!” Hannah and Kat both exclaimed, as the man walked over to the table where they were standing.

“I just can’t stand seeing a man treating fine young ladies with such disrespect.”  He smiled at them, his blue eyes sparkling.  “May I buy you both a drink?” he asked, as she sat down at the table.

“Sure!” Hannah replied.  “I’m Hannah, and this is my friend Katrin.”  She was trying to place his accent – it sounded slightly German, but had another quality to it, one she couldn’t place.

“Nick Swofford.” One of the barmaids had sauntered over.  “Aperol Spritz for the beautiful Frauleins, and a house lager for me, please.”  The barmaid left, and he turned his attention back to the girls sitting on either side of him.  “So, what are you ladies doing here in Konigsberg?”

“Backpacking through Europe for the summer,” Hannah answered.  “There’s three of us – our friend Amanda is in town somewhere…we were hoping to run into her here.”

“But we ran into someone even better,” Kat gushed.  “You!”  

Nick grinned, as the drinks arrived.  “I couldn’t help but overhear that character; before I got into the fight with him…he said your friend, this ‘Amanda’, was asking a bunch of questions?”

“Well,” Kat lowered her voice to a whisper, “we are ‘Summer Sleuths’, you see.  We are trying to solve a mystery, a great big mystery!  Amanda, she is like a real detective, the stories she tells, all of the adventures, and we are getting to be a part of it!”

“Kat-” Hannah looked over at her, with a look that screamed ‘shush’!

“Adventures, huh?” Nick laughed, as the girls sipped their sweet, light beverages.  “Sounds like you girls are having fun then.  This Amanda sounds like a real hoot! I would love to meet her, especially if she is anything like the two of you,” he added with a sly wink.

Kat impetuously thrust her phone in front of him, the photo of the three of them still in the display.  “That’s us, from yesterday!”

“Speaking of Amanda,” Hannah interjected, as she finished her drink, “I bet she is probably back at the hostel by now – and wondering where we are! We should probably be heading back…”

“No!” Kat declared, standing up suddenly, “I haven’t even gotten to dance!”  She took a step towards the dance floor, and then her hand went to her head.  “Oooh…I think I…got up too fast…”

“Please,” Nick stated, as he got up, putting his hand around Kat’s shoulders to steady her, “allow me to walk you ladies back to the hostel.  It’s the least I can do…I feel somewhat responsible for you now, after all of this.”

“That…that would be most kind of you, Nick,” Hannah replied, as she got up from the table.  “I think I am getting tired anyway…”

Nick left a few euros on the table, and then started towards the door.  Kat was leaning against his left side, while Hannah walked beside his right, holding his right hand.  Both were thinking the same thing – ‘what a dreamy, wonderful man, who came to our rescue…’

They started down the street; the hostel was about half a mile’s walk.  They had just gotten beyond the busy part of town when Kat started to stumble again.  “I…can’t…” she mumbled, her right hand going to her head again.

“Let me,” Nick offered, as he stopped walking, and put his right arm around Kat’s waist, lifting her easily into the air, and sliding her over his right shoulder.  Her head and arms dangled down over his back, while her ankles hung down his front.  Once he had her body sitting in a stable position, he started walking again.  Hannah looked over, still holding his hand, amazed at how Kat’s weight didn’t seem to encumber him in the least.

They walked a bit longer, and finally, the hostel came into view.  “I…I see it…I…” Hannah mouthed, and then, without warning, she leaned over against Nick, barely able to keep her eyes open.

“You girls really are exhausted,” Nick remarked, as she effortlessly lifted Hannah over his left shoulder, carrying her in the same way as he was Kat, who was fast asleep.  He watched Hannah’s eyes flutter a few times, and then smiled as she joined her friend in dreamland.  Then, satisfied both girls were asleep and securely on his shoulders, he started to walk once again…


Hannah woke with a start.  She looked around, instantly realizing she was not in the hostel.  Her wrists and ankles were bound; in the low light, she thought she was in some kind of barn, sitting, her arms suspended above her head.

She turned her head, and saw Kat behind her, tied in exactly the same way, their backs together, and a support beam between them.  She tried to move, but her wrists were bound securely to the beam, and all she could do was shift from side to side a little.

“Kat?” she whispered.  There was no immediate response.  “Kat?” she tried again, a little louder.  She heard footsteps approaching.  “Who’s there?”  She tried to turn her head, and as she did, a man came into view.  He was a lean-looking man, medium height, maybe in his early 30s, wearing a t-shirt, jeans, and boots.

“Ah…I see someone’s awake,” he smiled, as he knelt down in front of the wide-eyed Hannah.

“Who are you…what’s going on…how did we get here…what do you want with us?”

“Shhh…so many questions.  My name is Steve.”  He ran his hand up her hose-covered left leg, as she tried in vain to kick at him.  “SO feisty!”  He ran his hand up the outside of her skirt, then along the bare strip of skin between her sweater and her skirt.  “Tell me, Red, are you hiding anything from me?”  He ran his hand along her stomach, across the waistband of her skirt, and then down her right leg.

“No…and my name’s Hannah…and get your hands off me!  What is this about?  Let me and my friend go!”

Another set of footsteps approached.   “I’ll tell you what this is about,” said a familiar voice.  

“Billy?” she gasped.  “What is going on?  Why have you kidnapped us?”

“Now you are probably wishing you weren’t such a bitch to me last night, aren’t you?  You and your friend here, and your other friend, Frau Jones, who was asking all those questions, sticking her nose in where it doesn’t belong…”

“Amanda?  What have you done with her?” Hannah questioned.

“Nothing yet,” Billy chuckled.  “That’s actually why you and your blonde friend are here…as the bait.  We want to find out what this Amanda Jones knows, and what she thinks she is up to.”

“Amanda is really, really smart,” Hannah retorted, “she is not going to tell you anything!”

“She has something, an object, that doesn’t belong to her.  We want it back.  Then we want you three little girls to go back to playing with your dolls, and stop messing with things that don’t concern you.”

Kat was finally coming around.  “Uuunnnhh…” she groaned, “what…happened…where am I?” she suddenly screamed out.

“These thugs,” Hannah barked coldly, “have kidnapped us.  They want us, and Amanda, to stop our ‘sleuthing’ around.  Apparently they don’t think we should be allowed to play with the boys.”  She glared at Billy as she finished her assertion.

Steve had walked over to kneel in front of Kat.  He ran his hands up her bare legs, all the way up to her short shorts.  Kat stiffened.  He slipped his fingers into her outer pockets, finding them empty.

“What are you…doing…” she whispered, as he ran his fingers over her waistband, and then along her bare midriff.

“Searching for something.  But it doesn’t seem that you have it, either.  You did seem to enjoy that more than your friend did, I have to say,” he added with a wink.  He turned back to Billy.  “What are we going to do now?”

“We wait,” he hissed.  “Amanda Jones will come, once she realizes we have her friends, and we will find out what she knows, and then we will deal with all three of these meddling females.”  He stood up, and motioned for Steve to follow him out of the room, leaving Hannah and Kat to sit there, tied up, waiting, they knew not how long…
This is the first chapter of what may prove to be my longest chapter story yet...this chapter introduces the first two characters, Hannah Duffy and Kat Weber, and provides a glimpse into what may lie ahead for our sleuths!

Hannah, Kat, and Amanda Jones are the OCs and property of :icontorqual3d: This story is also a submission for his 'Summer Sleuths' contest found here: torqual3d.deviantart.com/journ…
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:iconmosby1865:
Great combination of exposition, description, and action.

Sad that Amanda does not appear -- but I understand there are more chapters to come, and in a way it works nicely for her to be an "off-screen" figure at this point. People often speak most candidly about others when those others aren't around; we really get a sense here of the regard Amanda's friends hold her in. And it's even expressed in different ways, appropriate to each -- Hannah's thoughtful ruminations and Kat's indiscriminate gushing. Moreover, the anticipation builds for the moment when we do encounter Amanda directly, when her "legend" is made manifest, and probably must work on her own without backup.

The story-writing challenge is to connect readers to Amanda when you (presumably) switch to her perspective, since as of now they haven't met her directly. But that is quite possible in a longer story, such as the one you are starting here.

When writing my own entry, I struggled with how much existing backstory to include for the characters, not wanting to bog down the forward motion with exposition. I think you succeed quite well here in weaving it in organically.

A word about the scores -- and bear in mind I'm only talking about Chapter 1 here. I give high marks for technique, as it's very well-written. I'm not quite sure what the critique system means by "Vision," but here I'll take it to mean ease of visualization, vivid imagery, etc.. I give middle marks there since I didn't always get a clear sense of scene and surroundings (other than the girls of course, who are well-described). This is also something I struggled with -- I was often aching to add more adjectives and vivify the world around the girls, but scraping the word limit while I tried to include all necessary plot and action progression. I wouldn't give myself high marks in vision for my story! Next time I might benefit from implementing a chapter system, like you have here.

Impact: as I said, I think your objectives here were to introduce the characters, hook us on the mystery, and advance the plot to this waypoint. You've done that well. I think the only way to get the highest marks for impact would be with major mind-blowing events, revelations, and/or climaxes, which obviously aren't going to happen so early in the story.

Originality: middle marks here. I think most of the weight of originality in Chapter 1 is being pulled by the hints of the Amber Room mystery; it's a cool hook. However the girls' actions and situation are not completely outside-the-box. But then again, it's only Chapter 1. There are more ways for stories to unfold than there are for stories to begin; many innovative stories begin with somewhat stock moments as jumping-off points.

Looking forward to reading more!
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:iconrob66:
Rob66 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2016
At long last I am reading this novella  :)  I have to travel by train Wednesday to Washington DC so I pasted the entire story into a Word document and plan to read it during the 3+ hour train ride.  FYI -- it was 74 pages long when printed!!!! 
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
WOW!!! I had no idea it was that long. I hope you enjoy it :)
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:iconrob66:
Rob66 Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2016
I will let you know!!!  (But I'm sure I will -- the title alone is intriguing!)
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Nov 19, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
:D
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:icontazlooking:
TazLooking Featured By Owner May 23, 2016
Great lead into what sounds as it will be a very interesting and intriguing story!! It was a fast read, I had to keep going to see what was next!! Thanks!!!!!
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner May 24, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I had a lot of fun with this story :D
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:iconforcemasterr:
ForceMasterR Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
My, my. Can't wait to get to part 2 now! What's going to happen to these lovely girls?
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Jan 18, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
You'll find out soon!
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:iconcaptainamerica1a:
captainamerica1a Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014
That was an incredible beginning to a story. Well done, and well paced.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I hope to get Chapter 5 done and posted some time next week...
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:iconlinuscat07:
Linuscat07 Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2014
I enjoy treasure hunt stories and those with girl sleuths doubly so.  I hope though that Kat and Hannah show more commonsense than they have so far.  Spunkiness does not replace smarts in my book.  I'm going to give them a pass on Chapter 1 because they are new to this but I do hope they become a little more serious, fixate less on having a good time and meeting 'cute' guys and more on staying uncaptured.  I don't know if Amanda Jones is the real deal or a blowhard or indeed, if this story is a light romantic action comedy or something more serious, but I'll stay with it for awhile longer.

The historical background was highly interesting and, as one who took Imperial Russian History in college, I find the Amber Room very much believable as Russian Empresses's had a fondness for grand lunatic gestures.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
First and foremost, these characters are all ordinary girls who find themselves getting into 'glamorous misadventures', as Torqual puts it. Having said that, as the story goes on the characters will all have opportunities to shine...

I think it is a mix of both kinds of stories you described. And it may take some patience to get to the real intrigue...the first few chapters are going to be about introducing the characters and setting the stage for what is going to come later...the historical aspects will be interwoven into it as much as I can do it. :)

I truly appreciate your feedback! You always take the time to give constructive comments, things I know I need to try and work harder on...I am nowhere near a 'real writer' but I hope to always be improving!

Thank you!
Denise
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:iconlinuscat07:
Linuscat07 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2014
What's a 'real writer'?  To me it is one who writes and puts it out there for people to read and judge.

It's a quirk of mine, but I enjoy a story a lot more if I am emotionally invested with all, some or one of the characters.  The one sure thing that will prevent that is if the characters consistently show deliberate stupidity: ignoring credible warnings, splitting up when you should be staying together, going off by yourself without telling anyone, when your companion screams 'Run!' you stand there arguing as the creature bears down on you, ignoring weapons like handguns laying around, having emotional tantrums in the midst of dangerous situations, etc.  I recently watched a bunch of horror films in which all of these and others were consistently displayed and I cared not at all when the characters met there grisly ends - even the super hot ones in the denim cut-offs and tube tops.  On the other hand I saw a movie in which a teenage girl is locked inside a boarded up house with her autistic younger brother and a ravenous tiger to keep them company.  She sprayed perfume all around the bed beneath which she and her little brother were hiding so the tiger wouldn't smell them.  She worked sleeping pills into raw ground beef so the tiger would eat them and thus be slowed.  She looked for the gun and having found found it, loaded it and used it ineffectively but the movie showed she had never handled a gun before so I didn't hold that against her.  Anyway, as the night goes on, she shows herself to be an incredibly resourceful young woman, someone you would be happy to have along on a treasure hunt and I was sweating along with her hoping desperately this was not going to have a nihilistic ending.  I was caught up in this movie in a way I hadn't been in the others because I was emotionally involved in her struggles and fate.  She wasn't G.I. Jane, didn't know martial arts or was a mechanical genius but an ordinary girl driven to extremes and she passed brilliantly.

Write the story you want to write; I just hope it has an least one heroine who, upon hearing villains trashing the lower floor, whispers, "Everyone keep quiet and let's tippy toe down the back staircase."
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:iconlatroma:
Latroma Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014
I think that, in terms of the specific parameters set aside, the fiction probably falls a touch out of the mark.  However, once we're past the first roughly six paragraphs or so (I've never been a huge fan of opening up with "So and so, the 18 year-old..." in introductions.  It's always come off as awkward to me, but it's very common in short stories like these.), the piece itself flows well as an introductory.  Amanda does not actually make an appearance here, and the build-up relies more upon a surprise than outright suspense, but your actual writing here is good.  

All in all, it's a nice, solid fiction on its own merits.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! First off, I agree with your thoughts on introductions. I have always struggled with how to do that well!  As far as the parameters of the contest, you may have a point - I had already planned to write this when Torqual mentioned he was going to do the contest, and he insisted that I enter this chapter as a submission to it...so it probably doesn't quite meet the criteria as well as some of the other entries, and that might be the reason. :)

This is just the first chapter, I plan on posting the second chapter Monday, and hopefully write one a week at least if my time permits. It may end up being my longest story yet!

Thank you SO much for this feedback, I appreciate it so much!!!

Denise
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:iconlatroma:
Latroma Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014
Not a proble, Denise.  I think you've got a good sense of the story-telling either way.  On my own end, I fear that my work is generally considerably darker than a lot of Torqual's fans are comfortable with so I imagine my own piece didn't quite meet the specs.  However it was a good read and glad to drop a line or two here.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks...my work used to be darker too, I think i have kinda gone away from a lot of that for now but it could always come back :) 

I will check out your work, now I am curious to see what it's like! :)
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:iconlatroma:
Latroma Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014
A lot of my darkest art has since disappeared from deviantart.  Most of my original pieces originate in "Vore Fetishist" work, though that particular fetish was always more a means to an end, as I'm more of a horror//macabre buff than I am a specific fetishist.  My fictions tend to have a somewhat 'bad Cthuluh' aspect to them, and my art is of midling/poor caliber, but you're more than welcome to have a look around.

Some of the darker stuff (though most of my fiction is here regardless) is found on Eka's Portal.  toss a line if you want to see it, but it's rather dated at this point.  I may have kept up dark horror in fiction, but I draw far less of it of late.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I have a Yahoo group where most of my darker stories live :)
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:iconsweetsirin22:
sweetsirin22 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014
Really nicely done.
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! More to come soon :)
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:iconsweetsirin22:
sweetsirin22 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014
As I finished....I noticed that this was not the end.
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:iconspadassin1968:
Spadassin1968 Featured By Owner Aug 20, 2014
A good start with sexy heroines . Love it .
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks!! :)
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:iconvhamelin:
VHamelin Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
looking good. loving the historic aspect to this. :)
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks! I do love having that part of it :)
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:iconsaloniko:
saloniko Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
fun fun
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you.
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:iconpizzanerd1:
pizzanerd1 Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
Excellent start to what promises to be a great story. That Steve guy feeling up Hannah and Kat is one lucky guy :D

I eagerly look forward to the next chapters of this!
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!!
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:iconmonshogaku:
monshogaku Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014
One thing that can cause most writers to stumble is how to set the first chapter up. It will either have little to no explanation of what is going on, or the other extreme, become too bogged down in character and plot description. This had a very good balance, introducing us to a couple of the main characters and moving them to the next scene, while still giving us enough to become invested in their situation.

Yes, some might argue there wasn't enough "spice" in the story, but if what you say is true, then it might be a couple of more chapters before we can appreciate the "taste"...*grins*
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:iconcuria-dd:
Curia-DD Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Oh there is plenty more to come! Thank you :)
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